verylongfarewell: (rainbow summer.)




It's half past three here and considering it's only mid-June, the heat feels oppressive. By Danish standards, granted, which means it's 12 degrees Celcius, but I'm really sensitive to my sleeping spaces being anything but chilled, so I woke up feeling boiling hot, ngl. And thirsty. And needing the toilet.

Just that kind of night.

I'll make the best of it, though. When this entry is written, I'll sit down and see if I can't spit out a couple of scenes in my texting-style short story, I made a good indent into it yesterday. If I'm really good, I'll be able to finish it today, which would be great, because then I can send all three Marie-Claude shorts to my girlfriend tonight! That would feel like an accomplishment. Combined, there are about 15K+ words in there, just at this point, this texting short isn't done yet.



We had Thai-inspired chicken-stuffed tortillas for dinner last night. It's one of our favourite foods to make, not because it's easy to make (it isn't, the prep work is pretty extensive), but because it's so easy and smooth to eat, a real street food-style thing, greasy and tasty and soft. Yum. Lots of chili and garlic in it, too! I think I ate four, lol. I love when my girlfriend is in the mood to make it. I used to help her chop stuff a bit, before I fell, but atm I can't stand up for long enough to really assist much. It'll come back to that, I know, but with how I've had pains the past week, I've beaten myself over the head with it a lot.



Assisted living visit today. We'll be looking at some bank stuff, which always has my anxiety spike through the roof and I can feel it building already, although the appointment isn't until 11am, so a good few hours away. I've gained more control over my own finances since I fell, mostly out of necessity, but it still ignites a lot of old fears, insecurities and panic, which is something my assisted living person and I are working on, but it's currently an up and down learning curve.

Other than that one appointment, though, we only have some cleaning of the apartment to do (Friday is our cleaning day in this house) and the usual grocery shopping, all of which hangs mostly on my girlfriend these days for the same reason as mentioned above. I just can't lift stuff and move around as freely as I'd like. Especially not since I did talk to my physio therapist yesterday and she reckoned it was my Achilles tendon having been overworked that's causing the pains, so the only resolution not to aggrevate it is to relax a lot, "not to pull to a complete halt" as she put it, but slow down, fewer steps, less strain.

I really want this pain to go away, so there's nothing for it, I guess.



As I've been writing these Marie-Claude short stories the past few weeks, something has dawned on me. Since my conception of this character around the years 2012-2014, a decade ago(!), she has never grown or developed much. Marie-Claude has always pretty much just been Marie-Claude. There have been some details that have changed, like her relationship to her dad (probably a subconscious way for me to work with my own changes to the relationship to my own parents) and her relationship to Jean Louis (they've been through various stages of the 'lovers' category to their now much more sibling-like dynamic), but neither one nor the other has ever really caused her to move forward as a character.

Yet, I can feel her doing so now.

Why?

I fear the answer is simple, Sherlock. She came out of the closet. It's funny (or tragic or both) that for these past many years, I've always joked that Marie-Claude was my only really straight character, because I've always only envisioned her in relationships to men. Turns out, she is bisexual and, it seems, will end up in a relationship to a woman.

You have no idea how much this boggled my brain at first!! Due to her dynamics with her father, I always just assumed that she'd always be one of those women who tried repairing or recreating her relationship to her father in her romantic relationships, and only to some degree succeed, for better or for worse. While I still think she is pretty male-leaning (maybe for the above reasons, who knows), writing her with Sasha now has really opened my eyes to the potential for growth that Marie-Claude holds. How happy she can actually be (although, honestly, she isn't making it easy for herself) and I can't believe I'm basically having a big bi awakening on behalf of one of my oldest and dearest characters. It's like watching a dear friend finally find themselves after half a life of misery.



I'm happy for you, Marie-Claude. Go live your best life!


verylongfarewell: (acos.)




Yesterday, the pain in my ankle was really bad, so bad that I had trouble walking properly, so today I'm calling my physio, hoping to get through to her and ask, what I should do about it.

Personally, I think the main source of pain is a muscle on the back of my shin, just above my heel - and I think it's mainly caused by my having to lift off our toilet which is set really, really low. Until last week, we had a hospital-commissioned raised seat for it, but they called to have it returned and I thought it was okay, because I moved around so well, I wouldn't think it was going to be a problem. But I don't think I have the core strength yet to actually do a good lifting motion when I stand up and I think my shin has taken the brunt of that.

I'm not an expert on this, but that would be my guess, since it started around the same time. The muscle seems swollen and irritated, though, visibly so, so we have to do something. If she wants me to call my doctor and get something fixed that way, I will. I just want to be able to walk normally again. Painfree.

There's a secondary pain which I feel is more difficult to place. It's more deep-set, so it might be a bone thing. It's on the side of my leg where the bone growth was slower, I was originally told, so I might actually have growing pains, like when I was a kid. I had them bad as a child, but I dont remember what they felt like, so I can't actually compare.

She'll no doubt know more anyway. No use sitting here, guessing.



Oh, I can feel I'm getting anxious about it now... Damn.



I didn't get anything written on my Lilith story yesterday, but I did get some work done on the Marie-Claude piece, adding several 'scenes' to it, exchanges between Marie-Claude, her father, her mother and her boyfriend. Today, besides having to call my physio and possibly talking to my mom, I hope to write the next exchange which is between Marie-Claude and her secret lover, Sasha, followed by some more professional text exchanges.

I think this fic is going to be intersting, even if it ends up not being an interesting read, it has been so interesting writing it and developing Marie-Claude's first person voice. Epistolary is always good for that, no matter the form it takes.

Writing actual letter exchanges between Marie-Claude and Jean Louis is also going to be such a gratifying experience, I'm sure. These characters have been with my girlfriend and I for more than ten years now, they're so cemented in our minds, yet having them grow and develop still... We don't have kids, but we have this!



Waiting impatiently for the end of June (feedback on The Lover of Lilith) and the start of July (big Paperblanks purchase). I feel kinda like a little kid about it. That kind of excitement.



My poor foot, though. I feel kinda bad for it. It does its best and then, I don't have the strength to support it properly. :(


verylongfarewell: (mbeu.)




We're already halfway through the week. It's been a weird one, because Denmark held Pentecost-holidays Thursday through Monday, so the week didn't - in practice - start until yesterday. And so, mid-week, is also only the second day or the work week and all my routines are a bit out of the water due to that. Besides that, my foot has been hurting really badly (or, at least, more badly than it's done for months) since Saturday, so my thoughts have been very anxious and I've been hyperfocusing on it a lot.

Tomorrow, my assisted living person will come visiting, but unless my pain has gotten a lot better, our plan of taking the bus definitely won't go anywhere, because I honestly think my leg needs the rest and no additional stress. So no walking to the busstop. And no getting in and out of a vehicle that moves.

Unless it's gotten better, of course. From yesterday until today, it's already improved somewhat.



My girlfriend's article got approved for the magazine it was written for! She was so overjoyed and I was endlessly proud of her. We need to celebrate it, when she's done the final editing work, I've promised I'll buy us takeaway and we can have a nice dinner at home.

She'll be working on it tonight. I think, to keep in time with the editing vibe, I'll reread The Lover of Lilith, my submission call short story, and maybe write a companion piece or something. Nothing big, just to hold on to the themes and style of the short. I have a few ideas already, just haven't really sat down and worked on them, but if she is going to work on her article, I can work on this.

I have started a new Marie-Claude short story, too. It's in the epistolary style, but like text messages. I think it'll be good, but it's very slow in writing, because there is a lot of formatting to do, plus some themes of parental neglect that always get to me when I write them, so I have to take it in little bits.

However, I like it and I'm developing her voice a lot like this.



My girlfriend has also promised to buy me a new notebook for the Marie-Claude and Jean Louis project we're doing, and my love has befallen the new The Little Prince design that Paperblanks is releasing the 1st of July. To get free shipping, we have to buy a few extra things, so I've made a list of stuff I want, now that we're already ordering, including 3 bookmarks, 2 pencil sets, a canvas bag and an extra notebook, because I prefer having both one that is unlined and one that is lined, since I use them for different things.

It'll be expensive, but because a friend of mine just bought something off their website, I have gotten a 10% off coupon that I can use, and then it'll be slightly less terrible.

I also have some books to pick up at the local bookstore, but since I am not going into town until later in June, that's a headache for then.

Plus, there are also the library books I need to turn in...



Saturday, I'm having a friend over and her dog. K. is out with one of her friends, so we'll both be social and hang out with people that aren't one another for once, and I'm glad for us.

Overall, things have been good. But I'm seeing my therapist today and I finally, now, 40 minutes before we're meeting up, know what to talk with her about. I've been drawing a blank for days.

Not because everything is fine, but because everything has been exactly not fine enough that nothing seemed worse than the rest. If that makes sense.


verylongfarewell: (scripturient.)




I've been sick all day. No fevers or anything, but general fatigue and lethargy, I think I've slept half the day away at the least. My girlfriend caught something a few days back and it has been riding us like a mare since. I truly hope our entire weekend won't be completely ruined by it. Sigh. No matter what, nothing we can really do about it.



It's sucked big time, though, especially since I've been wanting to write or betaread or do something constructive with my time, but not had the spoons to. It's the worst feeling. Have managed to work a little on a Marcel flash fic as well as editing the first part of my current Marie-Claude short story, but compared to my usual workload? It's pebbles and grain.

I've had a nagging urge to continue the Marie-Claude piece. It would be my first attempt at erotic fiction in Danish and I kind of... stalled at the actual erotica, but I do know how I want to proceed, I just - again - haven't really had the mental energy. Double sigh.



Have I introduced you all to Marie-Claude? I introduced you to Marcel a few days back, and Marie-Claude is from the same general universe, bound to Marcel by her relation to Jean Louis, Marcel's lover. Marie-Claude and Jean Louis have a sibling-like relationship, both let down terribly by Marie-Claude's father, who besides his familial connection to Marie-Claude, served as mentor and substitute father figure to Jean Louis earlier in the timeline. So, they connect over their shared disappointment in him, while also both working in politics. At first, Marie-Claude worked as Jean Louis' speech writer, but eventually quit to start her own party and take her own place in the political lineup in their country. Still, they continued to be close - until it was discovered that Jean Louis had deep ties to the criminal world and had done truly atrocious things in his position as foreign minister. So Jean Louis flees the country and for a while, they're no contact. During that period, Marie-Claude becomes prime minister and takes over leadership, but when Jean Louis begins writing her in secret, she foregoes all security protocols and writes him back. Because he is still her brother in spirit and she misses him and for once in her life, she will do something selfish and stupid for her own sake.

That is the starting point of my girlfriend's and my July project. That is where the correspondance between Marie-Claude and Jean Louis begins.

We're both very excited about it, I think it will develop these characters beyond anything either of us have ever done with them before. Hopefully. I also just look forward to sharing this process with her and, I believe, producing a worthwhile piece of fiction.



If you want to meet Marie-Claude, just take a look at Sonia Petrovna in Indian Summer. She is the spitting image of how I imagine Marie-Claude looks, just slightly older. Marie-Claude is in her mid-thirties at the beginning of the novel, though she looks fairly young still.





The rest of the day, however, is going to be spent making dinner at some point soon and after that, rewatching The Prince of Egypt which is one of my favourite films of all time. True comfort entertainment. Speaking of claiming faces, Miriam could be a really good face for my version of Mary. Just saying.


verylongfarewell: (post tlol.)




Tonight I am listening to this.

It's mood music for the Lilith short story that, although I have sent it to my editor, I'm still mulling over and wanting to elaborate more on. Not within that particular short story, that one is definitely done, but it opens up for so many questions about what happens later and I'm thinking about maybe writing some stand-alone ficlets to cover some of those questions. I have two prompt tables (colors) from [community profile] rainbowfic that I think I'll use for it, ten prompts in each, so that would be ten little fics combined. I think I can do that before June is over and be ready for the July novel project my girlfriend and I will be writing together.

Yes, I think that's gonna be my plan of action.



I keep returning to the short story, though. It's not that often I feel like this, where I return because I want to read my own writing as a reader, not as the writer. But this one scratches that exact itch, so I keep wanting to sink into it more. It's the language of it, I think, it's very poetic and flowery. I can only think of one author whose work I feel like this about and that's AndrΓ© Aciman, one of my favourites, and this isn't to compare myself to the likes of him, but just to say... it's the same feeling, and I want to think that's a good sign.

Even if and when my short story comes back to me with a million corrections and red lines, I want to hold onto this feeling, that this story feels worthwhile and calls to something in me even I didn't know was there until I wrote it. Regardless of whether or not the submission call will take it, I'm very proud of this story. I think it holds something unique.



Tomorrow is my first day this week with no plans during the day - plus, my girlfriend, if she's not sick still, has plans in the evening, so that might be the whole day, really... And I plan to get a head start on some writing, drink lots of tea and maybe go for a walk around the neighbourhood. I still can't walk very far, but around the parking lot and maybe up to the bus stop should be okay.

Other songs I'm listening to right now count this:



Also on my Lilith playlist, if you were wondering. Very much a song from Lilith to Mary. So much girlpower and feminine strength in there, not to mention a real banger. I've listened to it on repeat for days now.



Gonna try staying up late-ish tonight, in the hopes of a better night's sleep that last night which was straight up awful. My sleep schedule these days is really marked by a lot of stress, anxiety and worries. Hopefully, when my girlfriend's summer hols come around, things will settle into something quieter and calmer.

Here's to hoping.


verylongfarewell: (mbeu.)






Listening to this tonight.

The whole album, Music for People in Trouble, is amazing, but this is one of my favourite songs on it. It's raw and atmospheric, poetic and haunting. I've used it for the part of my OIFDEO/ESVST universe that takes place in Norway, where Marcel and his partner, Jean Louis, end up after years of corrupt and criminal living in an unnamed part of Central Europe. Even emperors retire, is the tagline.

I came to think of Marcel yesterday, feeling an urge to reread OIFDEO, my novel about his late teens in Amsterdam, but at the same time I just wasn't in the mood for that much tragedy and his very narrow mindset. I love him as a character, but he is extremely flawed - and at his worst during that time.

Twenty years later, he lives on a run-down farm in Norway with his long-term lover and former business partner, and during that period he grows as much as he's capable of and becomes as happy as it's possible for him to get. My girlfriend and I have a saying that goes, you don't get what you deserve, you get what you get, which we came up with due to these two specifically. And now I feel like exploring that part of Marcel's life some more.

It's around the same time that Jean Louis and Marie-Claude correspond, so timeline-wise it runs parallel to that and would work fine as prep for the July novel writing project. I'll have to ask my gf if she feels like diving a bit into it with me here in June. Will also need to reread some old drabbles and fics I've previously written from that era - or I might just go from what I remember and start from a blank page.



One of the things I've continuously used as inspiration for this universe is the poetry of Anise Koltz, a famous Luxembourgish poet - back from when the story took place in Luxembourg, rather in an unnamed imaginary Central European country. I love her poetry so much, I had a friend of mine who studies French translate some of her poems to Danish, to be able to continue to use her work as basis for my stories even as I changed languages. I have 10-15 ones as reference, most of them relate to Marie-Claude, but this one is very Marcel and Jean Louis. Especially in their Norway days.

*** by Anise Koltz

My deep-sea diving brother
can no longer walk

Flanked by sharp fins
he rejects the polluted and corrupt
non-aquatic world

He sides with the sharks
and attacks anyone
who enters
his waters




Visually, I stumbled upon this on Tumblr and it reminded me a lot of the surroundings around Marcel and Jean Louis' farm in Norway, a winter landscape. So I saved it as reference.


Frits Thaulow (1847-1906)




I should be asleep, but my anxiety is sky-high, I'm extremely conscious of my foot, nervous about something being wrong, although precisely nothing is alarming. Just one of those nights, I guess. It has been an intense past week, so maybe this is also just the reaction to that. It'll probably take the remainder of this week to really settle back into a routine again.

I must just do the best I can and make the best of it.


verylongfarewell: (marie-claude & sasha.)




Anxious this morning. Extremely body-focused and feeling a lot of health-related anxiety. Nervous about my foot. Flashes of panic about my teeth or getting cancer. Most of it entirely unreasonable. Yes, my ankle is broken and it swells when I use it, but I have a physio therapist who's telling me that's completely normal and will continue for a couple of years, although to a lesser and lesser degree. My teeth is a recurring fear I have, and I think mostly a symptom of my other issues. The cancer thing... same.

Anxiety is a strange thing. It wants me to be afraid, but not to be constructive about my fears. I have to do that work myself and sometimes it cripples me so much, I can't. It's gotten better and I have various coping strategies now, but on mornings like this where I just wake up hit by it... Yeah, it's difficult.



Working on a "new" short story in Danish.

I still need to do a final read-through of the Lilith one, before I can send it to my editor, but I found the first couple of paragraphs for a short story that I'd started many weeks ago and I really liked it, plus it's from the PoV of my character, Marie-Claude, that I'll be writing for our summer writing project, my girfriend and I, so I thought I should dive back in.

And I have!

I'm halfway through now. It's three scenes overlapping each other and I'm starting the final part of the first scene today, hopefully able to finish that and maybe the next one, too. Maybe all three, but we'll see. I also need something to work on tomorrow, when I'm hosting an online event in our Danish writing Discord server.

On that note, I should also make a list over future scenes I want to write as preparation for summer...



My gf has some plans today, besides working on her article, so I will have plenty of time to write. Same about tomorrow, where she is babysitting her brother's four children.

I can't believe it's June tomorrow. Half a year since my fall. 2025 has kinda just disappeared in a rehabilitation fog, to be honest. I've come a long way, but it still feels like there's a long way to go. But as my assisted living person said, if this had happened one or two years ago, I would have handled it a lot differently and no doubt worse than I have now and I should remember that, be proud of how far I've come mentally as well, not just physically.

I can do a lot of the basic "adulting" things now that I couldn't a year ago, checking my e-mail, bank stuff... All of that has changed drastically and for the better. I'm just so focused on my foot that I forget.

It's the anxiety. It gives me tunnel vision.

But it helps writing it down here, then it exists somewhere. It exists.

I exist, with everything that I am.


verylongfarewell: (marie-claude & jean louis.)




Today has been... a day.

In Denmark, today is a national holiday and so, my girlfriend was home from work. She's still working on her article, though, while I did some editing on my Lilith short story - then over lunch, we came to discuss an old writing project we had actually planned to start this year, but my accident with my leg got in the way. Still, today while talking about these old characters and the concept that we know so well, we just looked at each other and went: is now the time?

My gf is going on summer hols in all of July, so if we start the work during that month, we should have a lot of opportunity to make some good leeway on it before she has to return for work again. So, I think we'll be doing that. I'm looking forward to to it so much, I've wanted us to write this project for a long, long time and my OIFDEO project that is mostly finished at this point all points towards this as the next step.

Writing something with her again and in Danish, too, will be such a joy. I am beginning to make preparations now, getting into the headspace of the character I'll be writing (the story is an epistolary exchange and we each write the letters from our own character, mine is Marie-Claude) and just... getting a feel for what is going on in her life around this time in the story.

No official working title yet, but in my mind I'll call it ESVST (Danish: Er Sproget Vores Sidste Tilflugtssted), in English: LIOLR (Language Is Our Last Refuge) which is a line from the Luxembourgish poet, Anise Koltz' poetry. I'll be using Koltz a lot, because my character is a big fan of her work.


I also was going to watch that Zuka musical with a friend today and I managed to get halfway through it, before my foot got so swollen, I had to stop. However, it was not just my foot... the past week, I've been in a funk, stressed and sad and I didn't know why. My gf was an angel today and sat me down and we talked it through and I've probably been triggered for some time on social parameters, so we managed to land some things and I feel better now. Not 100% fine, but better.

Social interaction will probably never be easy for me. Neither IRL or online. It just hits too many old traumas. I'm getting better, but sometimes it feels like no progress at all.


I made this icon for the ESVST project! It's my character, Marie-Claude, and her brother-figure, Jean Louis, reflecting each other. I'm really satisfied with it! I also made one with Marie-Claude and her speech-writer/future girlfriend, Sasha, but I'll save that one for next time. :3


I hope to get my hands on this notebook for this writing project. I have designated notebooks, thematically or aesthetically fitting the concept of the project in mind, for all my stories and I think this should be the one for Marie-Claude's stuff. I'll see if I can find it in the stores. Otherwise, I'll have to get it online, I guess.


Now I'm tired. Think it's time I went to bed. Goodnight!


verylongfarewell: (tlol.)




I was going to post an entry yesterday called "spicy Monday", but it never happened and today might turn out to be neither spicy and definitely not Monday, so. This is my completely ordinary Tuesday entry.

I'm going on a bus trip today, it's the first time I try riding the bus since I fell in January, so it's a bit of a game-changer for me, functionality-wise. My assisted living person is coming with me, so I'm not going alone the first couple of times. My balance is still not the best and my walk is a bit wobbly, especially after two days of foot trouble, but I'm bringing my one crutch, so I think it'll be all right. It's not a very long bus ride, just to the nearby town square and then, another bus back again. But it feels like a mighty big adventure to me, to be honest. I've decided that if I'm too worn out, just walking to the bus stop, we won't go this time. Then, I'm going to practice walking that distance first a couple of times and improve my stamina and then, we can do the bus ride next time she comes by, which is in two weeks. Then, it'll just be a bit slower progress.

But things are progressing!


Talk of literary erotica and sexual themes including impregnation - as well as Christian myth in a literary light. )


Besides going on that bus ride, there are no plans today. I will try to write the next scene in my short story, maybe the two next scenes, if I can manage. I'm three scenes from being done, but I'm still not completely settled on how to end it, so the last scene will probably be a bit tougher to write, unless something dawns on me while writing the other two. I have a general idea of where I want it to go, of course, with the impregnation, but I'm not sure of the... mood I want to strike, the atmosphere of the ending. Should it be melacholy? Victorious? Loving? I just don't know. We'll see what the rest shapes up to, I guess.

I have all day tomorrow to write, too, so I think I will probably finish before Thursday, where I have a Takarazuka watch party with a friend on Discord. It's a nihonmono (Japanese play)-style musical we're watching. She is also interested in the Edo period, actually she was the one who got me interested in it in the first place, and this musical we're watching is a musical version of the novel, "Sabu", which takes place in the Edo period. It's a story by Shugoro Yamamoto from the 1970's, not too long after Mishima's "The Sea of Fertility" series (of which "Spring Snow" was the first volume) was published, so. Apparently Japan had a boom of historical fiction around that time, it seems.

It's a small-scale play, compared to some of the things Zuka does, but it has a very strong cast and even when I don't know the story in detail (haven't read the book yet, it's on its way to my local bookstore where from I ordered it), I really feel for the characters.

On that note, I really look forward to diving into my Edo period ficlets again soon. My books on haiku and my Edo period travel guide were all picked up at the library Sunday and I'm very excited to start my research, I just need this short story out of the way first, so I can concentrate. Luckily, it seems it'll be a relatively short process. I hope.


My girlfriend is writing an article for a magazine on psychology and until the 10th of June, she'll be focusing on getting it done, since that's the deadline for submission. So all our RP'ing has been put on hold until then, and I hope writing this short story will give me something else to focus on meanwhile.

However, I'm extremely proud of her for getting invited to write this article and for working on something she is so passionate about. The process seems to be wearing her out, though, so on the other side if her turning it in, we'll have to find something relaxing and nice to do together as a reward for both of us, her for writing the article, me the short story.

I'll have to come up with something.

That's apparently the headline today: Come up with something, hah.


verylongfarewell: (forward.)




Writing in English... I think, thinking back on my development as an English writer, I was probably at my peak, when I wrote Lest They Leave, my 1920's historical novel, back in December 2023. After that, I had a long stint writing in Danish again, and I just can't juggle the same level in both languages at once. I loved the result of my Danish struggles, though, and the novel that came to see the light during those. However, I am happy to be back to writing in English, and I feel my work with Adazakura is really helping me grow once more, ease back into it. Slowly, but steadily and surely.



I made a Tumblr blog for the Adazakura project, did I mention this already? I don't remember. The Dog that Waited for the Poet, it's got a mix of inspirational stuff (Edo period aesthetics and research), links to my fics and Pale Dawn manips. In time, I hope to also begin posting pictures of the books I'm reading to study haiku and Edo period research and such, should be starting on Sunday! When I can go pick up the first two haiku books at the library! Yay!

I love Tumblr as a platform for exactly these kinds of things. I love being able to collect all sorts of visual stuff and information others have obtained in one place and be able to refer back to it, like a big folder or notebook or something. Makes keeping the vibe and info of a big universe focused and streamlined much easier.



It's still terribly early, but I woke up an hour ago, grinding my teeth in sleep and it has given me a headache and an aching jaw, too, so I've made myself a cup of tea and hoping it'll soon pass. I don't know why I've begun grinding my teeth in sleep, it's the second night in a row. I used to do it a lot a handful of years ago, but that was a period when I was under a lot of stress. I know this thing with my foot has been hard, but shouldn't it have started earlier, then, if that was the cause? I can only think of one thing that has taken up my mind the past two days, and that's my parents... If they're the reason I've started grinding my teeth in sleep again, man, am I gonna be pissed.



Plans today are pretty sparse. Hopefully K. and I will find some time to roleplay tonight, when she gets home from work. We've been talking about a new thread we want to do, and I'm actually really looking forward to it, despite having been meh on RP for a while now.

I also have plenty of fic to write, mostly Natsu stuff in extension of soon learning about haiku, their history and how to write them. I think I ended up with a list of eight different fic ideas from her point of view, so it's just about choosing where to start.

I can feel, having written that epistolary fic that I posted to [community profile] rainbowfic yesterday for Inu, I kind of did what I wanted to do with her character - at least as seen from her own point of view, so I guess I'm focusing on Natsu for the next good while. She was my original Adazakura girl anyway.



I also still need to rewatch Pale Dawn, but maybe I just need to accept I'm not in the mood to see the whole musical start to finish, so I guess I might jump around a bit, watch my favourite parts for inspiration. We'll see if today is the day.

Otherwise I have a Zuka "date" with a friend over Discord tomorrow, I think we're watching The Rose of Versailles? Either way, I'm looking forward to it very much. :3



My tea is lukewarm at this point, maybe it's time I catch the last hours of sleep before sunrise.


verylongfarewell: (adazakura.)




Very busy weekend, even on the days when we've actually not been doing much (like today).

Friday evening, after we had cleaned the whole apartment, K's friend dropped by to watch the final of Andor with K. and they had a good time, it sounded like. I stayed mostly in the office, writing, because I was on total overload after the stress of cleaning - and because I had a friend coming over Saturday morning that I needed to be ready and not too tired for.

That visit went well, too, and energized me a lot, so when my friend had left, I sat down and wrote a piece of fiction, the beginnings of my exploration of my MC, Inu, in the project Adazakura. I already have an idea for the next fic, which will be a piece of epistolary. I have the main red thread I want to use, and the rest I guess will have to come when I start writing it. I had planned to do so today, but I haven't been able to concentrate, so no do.

Unless it suddenly comes in a spurt tonight. One can never know with me.

I'm almost out of lithium, so I have to ask K. tonight if she can pick a new batch up tomorrow on her way home from work. It's such a hassle that I can't go myself, but that's just how it is. And while I should have been more on top of when I would run out of it, at least I notice before I'll be out of it entirely tomorrow night. I just hope I don't fuck her plans up too much as a result.

She is busy writing an article these days, about community in schools and how destructive exclusion is and how this relates to minority stress. I'm so proud of her for doing such an extensive effort to have this finished and I just love listening to her rant to me about the things she finds out. I hope this is an aspect of her that will never die, this animatedness. I truly love it.

I think, if it turns out I can't write tonight, I'll rewatch Pale Dawn and take some caps to work on for the new Tumblr blog I've made for my Adazakura project. Hopefully I can post to it about Basho's haiku and Yamamoto's novel, Sabu, later when those books are ready to be picked up, but for now I just want to fill it up with Pale Dawn stuff.

Or I'll do some sprints in the writing Discord I'm part of, just to try and get started. We'll see.


verylongfarewell: (oifdeo.)




I woke up two hours ago and had to go to the bathroom - after which I couldn't fall back asleep, so I just sat up in front of my laptop and felt more and more depressed, body-conscious and anxious, a state I get in easily at night, if I can't sleep and have nothing to distract myself with. Which, tonight, I hadn't.

I owe a tag-back on a roleplay thread I'm doing, but although I did try, I just didn't feel in the mood for it. Tomorrow, or well, later today, hopefully.

Probably the reason I grew anxious and body-fixated was that I couldn't decide on something to work on. At the moment, I have enough to choose from, I have three open WIPs in various stages of the process waiting - so, maybe the problem is, I have too many options. It would be easier if I could just be super focused on one thing and not juggle a lot of balls in the air.

Or maybe I need a project that isn't my own writing? Usually, finding my way into a new canon and fandom can help on this restlessness, but the books I ordered yesterday (one of them, "Sabu" by Shugoro Yamamoto) won't be here in another two or three weeks. Wouldn't survive in this state for that long without going slightly insane.

I've said yes to beta-reading a novel by another member of the writing Discord I'm in. We were joking about it, bc their main character reminded me a bit of Marcel from OIFDEO in all the snippets they've shared, but then I decided, why not. I've seen how other's give feedback and I'm pretty sure I can manage something at least halfway useful. So, I did the first scene yesterday, and I like it well enough so far, so I'll maybe try another couple scenes tomorrow, eh, later today. If this lack of sleep hasn't run me into the ground completely by the time I wake up again.

In turn, said writing group member offered to read OIFDEO for me! I've been slacking on that novel for some time now, bc I wasn't sure how to proceed with editing, but getting another set of eyes on it, especially as I've added new scenes in my latest editing process, might be exactly what the doctor ordered. I'll try, at least. If nothing else, nothing much is happening in the publishing process at the moment anyway, while I wait to hear back from my cover artist which seems to be taking a while.

Half an hour ago, before sitting down to do this entry, I took a sedative, my usual strategy when the anxiety gets too much, and I think it's working now, so I'll lie down and get some rest before dawn.

Thanks for coming to my "clear my head" talk.


verylongfarewell: (adazakura.)










I had a tough day yesterday. My foot was being a complete ass about everything, it was swollen, it was ouchy (but not alarmingly so, just enough to be irritating and disruptive), and I had a visit from my assisted living person which was, for some reason, really hard although we didn't tackle anything truly difficult. Just sitting there talking about how I was... It was depressing.

My head was also everywhere at once, I had a million ideas I wanted to pursue and ended up focusing on something completely different than what I had initially planned (Gorgo), but having learned just a bit about myself at this point, I know that letting myself run to the ends of these ropes, when my mind's like that, is the best solution. My original ideas aren't going anywhere, and I don't gain anything from holding myself back out of some fear of not being devoted enough to my plans.

So, I let loose yesterday, which was probably the one redeeming feature about it, really. I just... went with the idea I had, which was a random "Edo period Japan" historical one, one I can never publish or anything, because cultural appropriation much - but if I want to, I can write it for my own sake. That's how writing works best for me anyway. No pressure from an awaitening audience. No critics. Just me and my words.

So, spontaneously, I partook in a writing event one of the others in the Discord group held last night which was a fun prompt-based event where we just had to write random scenes based on prompts like, "your character has died and now has to explain to God/Death/whoever why they shouldn't be there" and I got some actual writing done for it and ended up with at least two scenes I was very satisfied with, shared above!

Originally, I wrote this verse from Natsu, the MFC's PoV, but I think I might change it to Isamu's, the MMC's instead. I don't know, I just feel better writing male characters at the moment, something about it doesn't drain me as fast. Or makes me feel self-concious. So, I'll try writing a scene from his PoV today and see if it comes as easily to me as Natsu's voice, otherwise I'll just change back.

My foot is still ouchy and I have to really be careful with it today, not overdo anything. Maybe get some good naps, so the swelling can go down properly once in a while.

Yesterday, K. picked up food at our local slow-cooking restaurant and we had some kind of chicken stew with rice, because she had piano classes and couldn't be bothered to cook, but I hope we figure something out tonight that we can make ourselves - maybe even something I can cook, if my foot is better.

I want to help more, it's just... everything requires a lot of standing up or walking around and I'm just not quite there yet. It frustrates me to no end. I think that was what I was depressed about yesterday, to be honest.

Today I just want to indulge myself and not think too much about it.



verylongfarewell: (rivaless.)










I wrote something.

I haven't written poetry in English for at least a couple of years, maybe more like four or five. This idea has existed in my mind for a long time, however: what if it wasn't Sappho's poetry, but instead that of her rival, Gorgo, that time had preserved for perpetuity? What would it have looked like?

This is my conception of what shape Gorgo's perspective in the same world that Sappho inhabited would have taken. It's just the first poem, my aim is that there will be a small collection of fragments. I have emulated Anne Carson's way of showing where there are missing words, parts and sentences in Sappho's poems, by using ][ and ... in various places in the text. I did, nevertheless, write the whole poem first, then went and deleted the parts I think would enhance the feeling of the text, while at the same time adding to the mystery of its particular form of corrupted "silence". This is the first draft, not-final result. I kind of like it, and definitely think it's exactly what I had in mind originally, so that pleases me.

I'll be writing this small collection of poems by Gorgo for prompts at the [community profile] rainbowfic community, specifically the opal jasper prompt, "chapter and verse" and the crocus yellow prompt, "Now, I shall sing these songs / Beautifully / for my companions." It's nice doing challenges again! It always motivates me, writing with a purpose in mind, not just to complete the writing - but to complete the writing in response to something.



It's Monday today. Last week was kind of crazy and I'm so happy this week is proving... calmer. No plans, as far as I recall right now, until Saturday, when a friend of mine is coming over for tea. It's been a while since I saw her, so that should be nice. I look forward to telling her about my Sappho project, she was so enthusiastic and supportive of it last time I worked on it a year ago.

Mother's Day yesterday was terrible. I was so caught up in feelings of guilt and inadequacy that until K. talked me through some of it, I almost couldn't break out of my mind. Then, I called my mom as I had promised and it was the most awkward, stilted conversation ever. I didn't want to have it, and I'm not even sure my mom wanted to, either. So that was fucked, and just reminded me why I hate these occasions. I find it difficult enough to relate to my mom on any normal day.

Saturday, we got a lot of practical shit done, K. and I, but the rest of the day was just... lost. To tiredness and complete exhaustion. Sunday was better and we did get some creative, fun stuff done, but these days any moment free is just a struggle to stay awake, honestly. Both for K. and I.

In a moment, I'll go out into the kitchen, put my foot up (it's swollen as all fuck) and read the last Sappho translation in my collection. Then, after that, I'll try writing another poem for Gorgo!



Profile

verylongfarewell: (Default)
syrene hvid.

WELCOME

Hi, I'm Syrene.

Usually, I write historical fiction and have several fields of interest in that genre, the main ones being Ancient Greece, early Christian history and the Roaring 20's.

Currently, however, I'm working on a long-term contemporary project in Danish that I'll be writing the second volume of starting this summer along with my girlfriend.