𝔞 𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔶 𝔩𝔬𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔞𝔯𝔢𝔴𝔢𝔩𝔩 𝔱𝔬 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔠𝔥𝔦𝔩𝔡 𝔬𝔣 𝔓𝔬𝔩𝔶𝔞𝔫𝔞𝔨𝔱𝔦𝔡𝔢𝔰.

It's half past three here and considering it's only mid-June, the heat feels oppressive. By Danish standards, granted, which means it's 12 degrees Celcius, but I'm really sensitive to my sleeping spaces being anything but chilled, so I woke up feeling boiling hot, ngl. And thirsty. And needing the toilet.

Just that kind of night.

I'll make the best of it, though. When this entry is written, I'll sit down and see if I can't spit out a couple of scenes in my texting-style short story, I made a good indent into it yesterday. If I'm really good, I'll be able to finish it today, which would be great, because then I can send all three Marie-Claude shorts to my girlfriend tonight! That would feel like an accomplishment. Combined, there are about 15K+ words in there, just at this point, this texting short isn't done yet.



We had Thai-inspired chicken-stuffed tortillas for dinner last night. It's one of our favourite foods to make, not because it's easy to make (it isn't, the prep work is pretty extensive), but because it's so easy and smooth to eat, a real street food-style thing, greasy and tasty and soft. Yum. Lots of chili and garlic in it, too! I think I ate four, lol. I love when my girlfriend is in the mood to make it. I used to help her chop stuff a bit, before I fell, but atm I can't stand up for long enough to really assist much. It'll come back to that, I know, but with how I've had pains the past week, I've beaten myself over the head with it a lot.



Assisted living visit today. We'll be looking at some bank stuff, which always has my anxiety spike through the roof and I can feel it building already, although the appointment isn't until 11am, so a good few hours away. I've gained more control over my own finances since I fell, mostly out of necessity, but it still ignites a lot of old fears, insecurities and panic, which is something my assisted living person and I are working on, but it's currently an up and down learning curve.

Other than that one appointment, though, we only have some cleaning of the apartment to do (Friday is our cleaning day in this house) and the usual grocery shopping, all of which hangs mostly on my girlfriend these days for the same reason as mentioned above. I just can't lift stuff and move around as freely as I'd like. Especially not since I did talk to my physio therapist yesterday and she reckoned it was my Achilles tendon having been overworked that's causing the pains, so the only resolution not to aggrevate it is to relax a lot, "not to pull to a complete halt" as she put it, but slow down, fewer steps, less strain.

I really want this pain to go away, so there's nothing for it, I guess.



As I've been writing these Marie-Claude short stories the past few weeks, something has dawned on me. Since my conception of this character around the years 2012-2014, a decade ago(!), she has never grown or developed much. Marie-Claude has always pretty much just been Marie-Claude. There have been some details that have changed, like her relationship to her dad (probably a subconscious way for me to work with my own changes to the relationship to my own parents) and her relationship to Jean Louis (they've been through various stages of the 'lovers' category to their now much more sibling-like dynamic), but neither one nor the other has ever really caused her to move forward as a character.

Yet, I can feel her doing so now.

Why?

I fear the answer is simple, Sherlock. She came out of the closet. It's funny (or tragic or both) that for these past many years, I've always joked that Marie-Claude was my only really straight character, because I've always only envisioned her in relationships to men. Turns out, she is bisexual and, it seems, will end up in a relationship to a woman.

You have no idea how much this boggled my brain at first!! Due to her dynamics with her father, I always just assumed that she'd always be one of those women who tried repairing or recreating her relationship to her father in her romantic relationships, and only to some degree succeed, for better or for worse. While I still think she is pretty male-leaning (maybe for the above reasons, who knows), writing her with Sasha now has really opened my eyes to the potential for growth that Marie-Claude holds. How happy she can actually be (although, honestly, she isn't making it easy for herself) and I can't believe I'm basically having a big bi awakening on behalf of one of my oldest and dearest characters. It's like watching a dear friend finally find themselves after half a life of misery.



I'm happy for you, Marie-Claude. Go live your best life!

I'm listening to this, tonight:

Watch on YouTube

It's from my favourite album by my favourite jazz band, Carte Blanche. So crisp, clean and smooth. I could listen to these five tracks forever, when needing to unwind. Even the more upbeat numbers don't stress my nervous system.



We've had Pentecost-holidays in Denmark the past three days. Today is a day off as well. K. has been home from work, and I've been very active. We went out to get a balace board for me to start training my balance and do some gentle exercises with my foot. I had to walk a lot that day and my foot has been a little sore ever since (this was Saturday), so I think I might have overdone it a tiny bit. It isn't swollen constantly anymore, though, so I don't think it's anything to worry about either, I just try to spare it the worst brunt of it right now.

I've written two Marie-Claude short stories in a week and have at least three more in the planning stages, though probably not as long as the first two which are 6k each. I'm chewing on how to write the next one I want to do, but I think I'll try getting started later today.

TMI, but I also showered for the first time in over a week yesterday (our shower cubicle isn't equipped for someone with a bad ankle, unfortunately, and this makes me too anxious to shower often) and I made some progress in terms of anxiety management and range of motion, so I'm really proud of that! And it was just nice to be able to wash my hair.



Currently I'm collecting my Marie-Claude relevant notes in a flower-patterned notebook that I like, but it isn't perfect and I'd love to get a Paperblanks for the July project, but that would require that my girlfriend drives me into the big mall in town and I don't know when we can make time for that. Saturday next week is already booked for a friends' date with S. We might be able to do it Sunday, but that's only if my girlfriend has time there. I should ask her.

I have an obsession with Paperblanks and have, so far, used them for all my major writing projects (and a good percentage of my minor ones as well) and I really miss being able to go into town on my own and browse the selection at various of our bookshops.

Next time my assisted living person is scheduled to come, we'll go take the bus. This time we'll make it work! Once I've tried it a couple of times, I can maybe start getting around a little more independently. That would be the dream, seriously.

If I should choose a Paperblanks for the July project, I was thinking of either this or this - or both, one in mini, the other midi, one lined, the other not. Maybe I'll ask K. to order a couple for me before July starts?

We'll see.



Woke up in the middle of the night again and should go lie down, but I'm not really tired, but I'm not really in the mood for anything, either. I think, today, if I can talk my girlfriend into it, we should go for a drive. New scenery would be nice.

Watch on YouTube

Listening to this tonight.

The whole album, Music for People in Trouble, is amazing, but this is one of my favourite songs on it. It's raw and atmospheric, poetic and haunting. I've used it for the part of my OIFDEO/ESVST universe that takes place in Norway, where Marcel and his partner, Jean Louis, end up after years of corrupt and criminal living in an unnamed part of Central Europe. Even emperors retire, is the tagline.

I came to think of Marcel yesterday, feeling an urge to reread OIFDEO, my novel about his late teens in Amsterdam, but at the same time I just wasn't in the mood for that much tragedy and his very narrow mindset. I love him as a character, but he is extremely flawed - and at his worst during that time.

Twenty years later, he lives on a run-down farm in Norway with his long-term lover and former business partner, and during that period he grows as much as he's capable of and becomes as happy as it's possible for him to get. My girlfriend and I have a saying that goes, you don't get what you deserve, you get what you get, which we came up with due to these two specifically. And now I feel like exploring that part of Marcel's life some more.

It's around the same time that Jean Louis and Marie-Claude correspond, so timeline-wise it runs parallel to that and would work fine as prep for the July novel writing project. I'll have to ask my gf if she feels like diving a bit into it with me here in June. Will also need to reread some old drabbles and fics I've previously written from that era - or I might just go from what I remember and start from a blank page.



One of the things I've continuously used as inspiration for this universe is the poetry of Anise Koltz, a famous Luxembourgish poet - back from when the story took place in Luxembourg, rather in an unnamed imaginary Central European country. I love her poetry so much, I had a friend of mine who studies French translate some of her poems to Danish, to be able to continue to use her work as basis for my stories even as I changed languages. I have 10-15 ones as reference, most of them relate to Marie-Claude, but this one is very Marcel and Jean Louis. Especially in their Norway days.

*** by Anise Koltz

My deep-sea diving brother
can no longer walk

Flanked by sharp fins
he rejects the polluted and corrupt
non-aquatic world

He sides with the sharks
and attacks anyone
who enters
his waters

Visually, I stumbled upon this on Tumblr and it reminded me a lot of the surroundings around Marcel and Jean Louis' farm in Norway, a winter landscape. So I saved it as reference.


Frits Thaulow (1847-1906)



I should be asleep, but my anxiety is sky-high, I'm extremely conscious of my foot, nervous about something being wrong, although precisely nothing is alarming. Just one of those nights, I guess. It has been an intense past week, so maybe this is also just the reaction to that. It'll probably take the remainder of this week to really settle back into a routine again.

I must just do the best I can and make the best of it.

Anxious this morning. Extremely body-focused and feeling a lot of health-related anxiety. Nervous about my foot. Flashes of panic about my teeth or getting cancer. Most of it entirely unreasonable. Yes, my ankle is broken and it swells when I use it, but I have a physio therapist who's telling me that's completely normal and will continue for a couple of years, although to a lesser and lesser degree. My teeth is a recurring fear I have, and I think mostly a symptom of my other issues. The cancer thing... same.

Anxiety is a strange thing. It wants me to be afraid, but not to be constructive about my fears. I have to do that work myself and sometimes it cripples me so much, I can't. It's gotten better and I have various coping strategies now, but on mornings like this where I just wake up hit by it... Yeah, it's difficult.



Working on a "new" short story in Danish.

I still need to do a final read-through of the Lilith one, before I can send it to my editor, but I found the first couple of paragraphs for a short story that I'd started many weeks ago and I really liked it, plus it's from the PoV of my character, Marie-Claude, that I'll be writing for our summer writing project, my girfriend and I, so I thought I should dive back in.

And I have!

I'm halfway through now. It's three scenes overlapping each other and I'm starting the final part of the first scene today, hopefully able to finish that and maybe the next one, too. Maybe all three, but we'll see. I also need something to work on tomorrow, when I'm hosting an online event in our Danish writing Discord server.

On that note, I should also make a list over future scenes I want to write as preparation for summer...



My gf has some plans today, besides working on her article, so I will have plenty of time to write. Same about tomorrow, where she is babysitting her brother's four children.

I can't believe it's June tomorrow. Half a year since my fall. 2025 has kinda just disappeared in a rehabilitation fog, to be honest. I've come a long way, but it still feels like there's a long way to go. But as my assisted living person said, if this had happened one or two years ago, I would have handled it a lot differently and no doubt worse than I have now and I should remember that, be proud of how far I've come mentally as well, not just physically.

I can do a lot of the basic "adulting" things now that I couldn't a year ago, checking my e-mail, bank stuff... All of that has changed drastically and for the better. I'm just so focused on my foot that I forget.

It's the anxiety. It gives me tunnel vision.

But it helps writing it down here, then it exists somewhere. It exists.

I exist, with everything that I am.

I woke up two hours ago and had to go to the bathroom - after which I couldn't fall back asleep, so I just sat up in front of my laptop and felt more and more depressed, body-conscious and anxious, a state I get in easily at night, if I can't sleep and have nothing to distract myself with. Which, tonight, I hadn't.

I owe a tag-back on a roleplay thread I'm doing, but although I did try, I just didn't feel in the mood for it. Tomorrow, or well, later today, hopefully.

Probably the reason I grew anxious and body-fixated was that I couldn't decide on something to work on. At the moment, I have enough to choose from, I have three open WIPs in various stages of the process waiting - so, maybe the problem is, I have too many options. It would be easier if I could just be super focused on one thing and not juggle a lot of balls in the air.

Or maybe I need a project that isn't my own writing? Usually, finding my way into a new canon and fandom can help on this restlessness, but the books I ordered yesterday (one of them, "Sabu" by Shugoro Yamamoto) won't be here in another two or three weeks. Wouldn't survive in this state for that long without going slightly insane.

I've said yes to beta-reading a novel by another member of the writing Discord I'm in. We were joking about it, bc their main character reminded me a bit of Marcel from OIFDEO in all the snippets they've shared, but then I decided, why not. I've seen how other's give feedback and I'm pretty sure I can manage something at least halfway useful. So, I did the first scene yesterday, and I like it well enough so far, so I'll maybe try another couple scenes tomorrow, eh, later today. If this lack of sleep hasn't run me into the ground completely by the time I wake up again.

In turn, said writing group member offered to read OIFDEO for me! I've been slacking on that novel for some time now, bc I wasn't sure how to proceed with editing, but getting another set of eyes on it, especially as I've added new scenes in my latest editing process, might be exactly what the doctor ordered. I'll try, at least. If nothing else, nothing much is happening in the publishing process at the moment anyway, while I wait to hear back from my cover artist which seems to be taking a while.

Half an hour ago, before sitting down to do this entry, I took a sedative, my usual strategy when the anxiety gets too much, and I think it's working now, so I'll lie down and get some rest before dawn.

Thanks for coming to my "clear my head" talk.