𝔞 𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔶 𝔩𝔬𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔞𝔯𝔢𝔴𝔢𝔩𝔩 𝔱𝔬 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔠𝔥𝔦𝔩𝔡 𝔬𝔣 𝔓𝔬𝔩𝔶𝔞𝔫𝔞𝔨𝔱𝔦𝔡𝔢𝔰.

For no apparent reason, I felt like diving into my Sappho universe today. I've researched for this project the past year and yet, nothing tangible has come of it. I think it must be one of those stories that really takes its time telling - which is fine by me. I'd rather get it right than rush it.

Anyway, because my girlfriend was out of the house to get a new tattoo, I couldn't work on the epistolary thing we're doing, so I pulled out my notebook for the Sappho stories and started leafing through them - and I got some ideas. First off, I can't fit all of this lore around Sappho into just one novel. So right now, I'm looking at a trilogy, a "young Sappho" novel, told from the perspective of Anaktoria, a "pre-exile adult Sappho", told from the perspective of Atthis and finally an older, "post-exile Sappho", returned to Mytilene, told from the perspective of her daughter, Kleïs. I think, like this, I can paint a portrait of Sappho that adds to the picture she already paints of herself in her fragments, rather than telling it from Sappho's PoV and writing on top of her own words. The trilogy will be in Danish, I've decided, although it pains me to think of all the Ancient Greek terms I have to look up and translate, shit. But I just think I can do these women the most justice in my native tongue. I'll call the series what translates to, "Besung by Sappho", with each novel having a subtitle that's just the main character's name, that is: Anaktoria, Atthis or Kleïs.

I'm really excited about it! Kinda bummed I can't start right away, with the other project going on, but I'll try to steal some writing time here and there, where possible. Like I said, this is a project where pacing isn't the issue, I'm patient with it and I know what I want from it in the end... Still, excited!



Above, you see my full collection of Sappho translations (Danish and English), as well as an art book on Sappho (Danish), some assorted Ancient Greek poetry (English) and a huge book on Archaic Greece, the time period that Sappho hails from. I originally got this as a free PDF, but got so tired of scrolling that I just bought it in the physical. It's a great book, though, I recommend it to anyone interested in these things. In the bottom right corner is my "Pink Carnation" Paperblanks notebook that has served me so well. One of the best notebooks I've ever bought. It's just taken everything in stride. Unlined, midi, elastic closure. Also recced! All my notes on Ancient Greece and Sappho are crammed in there. I don't even need the books anymore, my orderliness has been on point this one time.



My girlfriend will be away most of tomorrow, so I think I'll try getting started on an opening scene for the first of the three novels, Anaktoria. If I have the spoons tomorrow. I think they've been kinda low today.

First off, Paperblanks heard my prayers.

My stuff arrived Friday to be picked up by my girlfriend and unboxed by me under so much excitement.

The Emily Dickinson notebook is so smooth to the touch, the colour is absolutely gorgeous and although I will have to get used to the ultra size, I think I will grow very, very happy with it as time goes by.

The daily planner is also gorgeous, very vibrant and stark in its colours - and huge. It reminds me mostly of the fashion bible from that movie, The Devil Wears Prada, honestly, it's enormous. Very fitting for my calendar project and I will be starting in on that tomorrow later today, hopefully.

The three bookmarks were a very nice quality, thick and with structured paper. K. and I each had our own favourites, she liked Poetry in Bloom best and I loved the Chanin Rise! The third one, something something Honeysuckle, was a gift for the girl who has done some translations of Anise Koltz poetry into Danish for me and whom I'm sending my old, worn copy of the English translation to ASAP.

Then, there was the pencilcase which is gorgeous. After seeing it live, I'm not sure I'll get the Spring design in notebook-form, but as a pencilcase, it's so nice and with this structured, gold-sprinkled surface. So luxurious. In it, I put the Kara-ori pencils, though I've only sharpened one of them, so I can use that first and take out the others as it becomes necessary. The pencilcase is also a good size. Right now I'm fitting four pencils, two pens, a pencil sharpener, an eraser and a highlighter in there and I do think there's still room for a little bit more!

I would include pictures, but my phone is old and dated and can't manage pictures anymore. I will be getting a new one today, though! Finally! It's a longer story, but it means my final reliance on my parents will be severed and I will have my very own phone for the first time ever. In control of my own mobile subscription, payments, everything... Sad to say this has never been the case before in my almost forty-year old life, but some things are like that. Anyway, it means, once we've set it up, my girlfriend and I, I can take pictures again! I will spam you, have no doubt.



Speaking of my parents, I took charge of the situation with their visit Monday and just cancelled it, setting up a new meeting in a few weeks at their new house instead. It's not because I particularly want to go, but it will make them happy and, most importantly, put me in control of my own engagement with them. It will be my choice. It was a very important step to take and I felt elated afterwards, very relieved, too. So no, it doesn't make me more inclined to want to see them, but it makes me the decision-maker on when and how. That is, by all definitions, easier.



This weekend we had a 24-hour write-athon in my Danish writing Discord server and I almost managed to pull an all-nighter, though age came to hunt me down and I had to give up after 4 o'clock, napping until 6, when I got up to write some more and accidentally fell soundly back asleep again around 11am, so I actually missed the big finish.

However, what I didn't miss was finishing the piece I was working on for these 24 hours, the Marie-Claude essay I have had in mind for so long. 4k words it ended up being and most of those were written during this write-athon. I was very pleased with my efforts.

The essay ended up pretty good. I think one of the chapters, the second-to-last, needs a bit of tweaking still, like, majorly, but the rest is satisfactory and the beginning especially is something I'm really proud of. The red thread is a pretty dry, academic walk-through of the types of government known in the Ancient Greek world, with a recurring circling around Aristotle's view of democracy. It was a lot of fun to research for! But from these adacemic musings, Marie-Claude collects her personal views and experiences with power and mixes it all together. I do think the concept is really something.



K. was off visiting her grandmother yesterday, but read the whole essay (20 pages, she's a fast reader) in the evening when she got home and was so inspired by it, she actually wrote the first 3 letter snippets from Jean Louis to Marie-Claude in response, her first try writing him in 1st person. It was amazing! Seeing the way they speak within the same frame of reference, yet coming from two very different, opposing almost, approaches and with two very different voices. I was so inspired, in turn! Simply can't wait to really get started exchanging these letters. My girlfriend has a very busy week ahead this coming week, with plans every day, but on the other side of that? Definitely.

We've been wanting to do something like this for years and years and to finally really start working on it? I can't put the feeling down in words. It's such a gift sharing this with her.



My next solo project, the coming week, is going to get started using the calendar I bought and stylize some key dates in the timeline of the first year when Marie-Claude starts corresponding with Jean Louis. I think I'll be starting with August and fill that out, since that's the month when JL's first letter arrives for her, so I kinda get a sense of before and after. Then, I think I'll fill out February and March, following the election period the first month and her first time as Prime Minister after that. Then, from there, we'll see.



It's almost 4am and I have the choice between going out into the kitchen and make a cup of chamomile tea, hoping it will settle me for the rest of the night/early morning or forcing myself back to bed straight away. I'm just feeling a bit too chipper to sleep, even if I am tired, too. Tired but restless.

Chamomile tea, I think. Must be the solution.

My stuff from Paperblanks has been shipped. Very excited to see when it gets here.



I could talk forever about the way my parents once more overstepped a lot of boundaries with me today, but I'm simply not gonna waste my breath, time or energy on it. I'm tackling it as well as I can, which isn't fabulously, but I'm managing. And I'll find a solution for the more pressing issue of how to welcome them into my home on Monday, but until then I'm just not going to squander my precious moments giving it too much thought. I have a pretty full calendar over the weekend, full of fun, good things and I would much rather focus on that than this shit.

But yeah, I'm pissed, thanks for asking.



Finished reading both "Flygtige ord" and "The Little Prince" today. Parts of TLP can definitely be used a leitmotif for our project, the Prince is basically Jean Louis' character to a T. However, FO really made me want to write an essay from Marie-Claude's PoV about transference of power, both in relation to her own seat in office and as a general, more philosophical approach - and hopefully, I'll be able to tie both things together. I've decided that is going to be my main thing for this upcming 24-hour writ-athon that my Danish Discord writing server is doing, Saturday into Sunday. I have an article about Marie-Claude and her relation to piano-playing that I can keep as an extra project, if I manage to finish the essay, or as something to alternate with, should I hit a wall with the essay, but my general idea is focusing on the essay. I think it was the structure and language of FO, and the cool distancing from the subject matter until the end when it became deeply personal that really reminded me of something MC would write.

Analytical but personal. Yes.

The 24-hour writ-athon program looks like so much fun. There are events almost from start to finish, some of them hosted and some not. Like, we're doing a Q&A with our character, we're being prompted with GIFs and similar activities, fun, fun, fun. I do intend to sit up all night and just... see where the writing frenzy takes me.

And no doubt collapse hard afterwards, when we finish by Sunday noon. However, my girlfriend is visiting her grandmother out of town all day Sunday, so I can collapse in peace without disturbing anyone, hahaha.



Tomorrow it's physio and I'm relatively optimistic, since I've actually pushed myself a lot since last time, both trying to ride the bus, walking longer distances and overall, trying to return to some kind of normalcy. Which also means, if my gut feeling is correct, tomorrow will be my last "real" appointment with my physiotherapist, because on the other side of summer awaits the nature team where I will be practicing more natural, uneven terrain and walking longer distances. If I can get ready for that, there's little need for me to go with my normal physiotherapist anymore.

We'll see if my gut feeling is right, but I think I'm ready either way. I have lots of time now to practice my walking and bus riding and by August, I should be good to go on my own - especially if I get an assisting volunteer to follow me to the meet-up the first few times. I think it will work.

I want it to work.

I'm sick of being tied to my apartment. It says something about how much I love living here that I haven't grown sick of these four walls while healing. So much of that comes down to the company I have. My girlfriend is a star.



I signed up for Trackbear, because my writing server is doing an event involving tracking your wordcount throughout July, but the system is so good (very similar to NaNoWriMo's, RIP) that I'm seriously thinking about just beginning to use it year-round. Havent written a whole lot these first two days, because it's mostly been prepping, planning and researching, but I do intend to catch up over the weekend. And from next week, I think, we'll begin really diving into our project, my girlfriend and I.

I'm excited. It's a nice feeling to have, despite everything.

It's 3am, I'm - obviously, but also rather predictably - awake. Made the stupid decision of having a nap around 4-6pm yesterday and even as I went to bed later than usually (around 11pm rather than an hour earlier), I still woke up at half past two, unable to catch another moment of rest. I'll probably crawl back into bed in a few hours from now and sleep until seven or eight, but for now... Wakefulness is the bane of my existence.



I think, for the first time in almost a week, I'm not going to go for a long(ish) walk today. It's so warm, having to wear compression socks is killing me and I'd rather not walk half a kilometer without them, my feet would swell terribly. A short walk, though, definitely, to keep my blood circulation going and my muscles working. And to get out into the nice sunshine that should be even better (worse) today than it was yesterday. This heat, I tell you...

My plans for today are pretty much the same thing in variation. Once I've ordered new medication, I have to reread the final of my six Marie-Claude short stories, then hopefully finish "Flygtige Ord" as well, my book on speech writing for the Danish Parliament. After that, if the day hasn't flown by, I want to leaf through the two magazines and newspaper I bought on my walk to the local grocery store yesterday. This first week of July and our summer writing project, I'll focus on writing secondary uses of Marie-Caude's voice, so articles about her and interviews with her as well as maybe start on some e-mail correspondences (work-related) to capturing her epistolary voice better.

Over the weekend, my Danish Discord writing server is hosting a 24-hour writing day where we try to write from noon Saturday until noon Sunday and I've decided that I'm going to partake and get as much of this magazine/newspaper imitation material written as possible. Just to get as in-character as possible before we start writing the correspondence between Jean Louis and Marie-Claude proper.

I also have an idea for a small creative project on the side. It's basically a scrapbooking kind of idea, but where I buy a daily planner from Paperblanks - got my eyes on one with a print of Gaudi's Sun - and map out all Marie-Claude's appointments as Prime Minister and in private over the course of a year, as well as what other notes she might make in her planner, books she needs to remember the title of, quotes she doesn't want to forget, little notes to meetings she's been in, anniversaries, shopping lists, all that stuff you collect that you want to keep in mind. Then, I write it into the planner as if it were hers. I think it could be a cool, life-like look at her life in (one of the) year(s) she's corresponding with JL.

Today is also the day when I'll put in my gigantic Paperblanks order. I've decided that if the Little Prince notebook doesn't get released today (release info just states July, not when in July), I'll get another notebook instead, because I really need the notebook asap. So, I have my eyes on this one, if the Little Prince idea doesn't work out, although the Little Prince would be more fitting for the project overall.

The colour of the Brontë sisters journal is, however, very fitting - for reasons.

My wishlist from Paperblanks this time around looks like this:

12-month planner, ultra, French: Gaudi's Sun - 28 euro
Hardcover journal, midi, unlined: The Little Prince - 20 euro
Pencil case: Spring - 12 euro
Pencils: Kara-Ori - 5 euro
Bookmark: The Chanin Rise - 4 euro
Bookmark: Poetry in Bloom - 4 euro
Bookmark: Pink Honeysuckle - 4 euro
Canvas bag: Holland Spring - 20 euro

It's going to be expensive, but it'll probably be the only thing I'm splashing out money on for myself this summer, so I think it's fair - and I do avoid pricey shipping, if nothing else. And then I won't have to put in extra orders for a good while to come. Plus, I have a voucher from a friend who purchased something from the website a week or so ago, so I do save, like, 10 percent. It's okay.



It's typically me that the day before we start our summer writing project in another universe, I get an epiphany on my Sappho universe and how to structure it, something I've struggled with for a year, always getting new ideas but no way to combine them.

Yesterday, I realized that I want to make the Sappho project into a trilogy of independent novels where each novel tells about a stage of Sappho's life as seen from the perspective of a woman she loved during that period. This dawned on me because I finally found a PB (faceclaim, RP terminology) for Anaktoria, one of the few women from Sappho's poetry I until then hadn't touched. But now she lives in my head and she will be the woman in the first novel, a look at how Sappho got established a poetess in Mytilene originally and kinda a "first love" story. Anaktoria is, by the way, from my own personal favourite poem of Sappho's, so finally picking her up as a character is thrilling!

The second novel will, of course, be about Atthis and take place right before Sappho goes into exile in Sicily. Whereas the third novel will be seen from her daughter, Kleïs' point of view and cover the time after her return to Mytilene later in life.

I've decided that if we're done with our summer project by the time November comes around, the Anaktoria novel will be my WriMo (well, formerly NaNoWriMo - before the whole organization went batshit) project this year. I've worked on research for this historical universe for more than a year now, it's time I do something about it. If we're not done, then it will be the first project I pick up after we finish.

I really look forward to it. And by then, I must own this notebook, obviously.



However, focus. Now. This summer, it's Marie-Claude and Jean Louis. And how excited I am! Even when it's 4am and I should be sleeping.

So, yesterday (and I'm saying 'yesterday', because it's 2am and I'm sleepless) was sure a day. A good one! But also a very overwhelming one. In the morning, my assisted living person came by and we walked to the bus stop where I also, actually, for the first time since January, got on a bus and drove a stop, then got off again and crossed a street (another first since breaking my ankle), got on the bus back on the other side and walked home. I know this must sound so insanely banal, but I have literally not been able to move outside my apartment for six months, halfway due to my leg injury, halfway due to crippling anxiety. Today was my first taste of freedom in all this time. It was important. I was so massively proud of myself.

And my foot didn't even complain too much. A little swelling as expected, but no pain or discomfort. No muscles pulled, nothing. It was such a confidence boost.

Later today, I'm going to try walking to our nearby store, which is about the same distance away as our bus stop, and see if that might be a distance I'm comfortable walking in the future.

Just keep walking, as they say.



I've engaged a bit with the fantasy idea I mentioned. Wrote a small piece from that storyline and I like it, I'm definitely going to use it for when November comes around. For now, I'm getting back into the Jean Louis and Marie-Claude project that my girlfriend and I are going to work on over summer and which I've neglected a bit while working on The Lover of Lilith and getting distracted by shinies. I always feel at home with Marie-Claude, she's such a comfort character to me.

I look forward to July. So much.



Also, I have a friend in my writing Discord who studies French and helped me last year with translating some poems by Anise Koltz to Danish. She did it for no fee at all, and I've felt lowkey bad about that ever since, because it's a very good translation and I'm using it a lot for the Marie-Claude stuff I write now.

So, I decided to ask her if she wants my book of Anise Koltz's poetry as a thank you gift. It's used (much-used and much-loved in its time) and there are notes in the margin, plus underlinings, but it's been well taken care of and has followed me, almost since the beginning of my work with Marie-Claude as a character. However, that was back when I wrote her in english and somehow, now that I have the poetry I need in Danish, it feels like the right time to let it go and give it to someone who can maybe use it to spread awareness of this poet to a Danish audience, if she wants. Or just enjoy it for herself.

It just feels right.

She was very happy with the offer, so I'll be sending it to her in July, when I can conceivably walk to the nearby postal store myself. I'll include a letter telling the story of what these poems have meant to Marie-Claude and to me.

And it feels a bit like letting go of a part of past me that is long overdue.



I have the book, Flygtige Ord, that I still need to finish and I kinda want to get started on The Little Prince before we start working on the project, too. I'm probably not going to finish either beforehand, but then I can read on the side. For inspiration.



Getting tired, so should probably ride that wave to bed... It's half past 2am. Goodnight.

For reasons, I've been reading about writing haiku in English the past couple of days and even tried my hands on composing some, though I have to admit, syllabic counting is one of those things I struggle with a lot as an ESL person. Altough, Higginson, author of The Haiku Handbook, dismisses the 1:1 syllabic structure of English haiku to the 17 unit Japanese ones and rather suggests a 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats structure instead, I'm not sure that makes it any easier for me. I have never learned about beats in English here and I'm really having a Time trying to determine what the stressed beats of a sentence are and what's unstressed. Sounds the same to me.

Still, I've managed to compose a small collection of 12 haiku, 3 for each part of a short story I want to write for my Adazakura universe. I've also written the first scene (for the first haiku) already, and hoping to finish the thing over the coming week. It's for rainbowfic.



Friday, my parents were here and it was awkward but otherwise went okay. I wasn't too messed up about it afterwards which is a good sign, I think. I managed to react somewhat constructively and with a good distance to the whole thing.

Right now, I'm even more concerned with the phone convo I had with the guy who will eventually be my coordinator for my rehabilitation efforts, once my time with my physiotherapist comes to an end. He seems okay, still not feeling completely comfortable with him, but hopefully it'll come with time and exposure.

He did suggest a helpful thing for my continued rehabilitation and that is a volunteer program that assists people with mental and physical disability in getting to their various groups and activities, like physically getting there, helping them take the bus and such and staying with them, I think, until they're safe back home again. I intend to practice the bus over the summer holidays, plus continue to walk more, so I can actually walk the required distances, but once I begin other activities in August, I think this will be usable to me, definitely.

After talking to him, something weird also happened to me on a more personal level. I went for a walk. This might sound simple, but since January I have only been outside a very few select times and never walked very far, because my anxiety is so rampant when I do it. Well, Friday, before my parents got here, I said fuck that and walked, not that far, maybe 100 meters, but it's more than I have walked for half a year and I used my crutch to minimize the stress on my foot, just focusing on doing the walking movement... And I did it. I walked out to our main road and back again. I did it with focus and effort.

I was wiped afterwards, but it was worth it. I've decided that every day until August, I will walk a bit more each time I go out and I must get outside at least once a day. It's a challenge, but unless I start to actually put the work in and beat my anxiety, I'll never live a normal life again.

I want my life back.

So I'll continue.



My editor contacted me this morning, letting me know, she's halfway through my short story and expects to be done in a couple of days time. My motivation for that universe kicked right back in and now I'm contemplating a new fic for rainbowfic. Got some great feedback on the latest one I put up, so I feel I really have something to work with from here.

I'm really nervous about what my editor has of comments. Grammar and such is okay, I don't mind fixing bad grammar, but I'm really, really nervous about what she might have to say about my execution of the sex parts. And since most of the smut is in the final part of the story, I'm not sure I can put too much stock in her reassurance that 80% of her remarks are positive. What if the sex disappoints? Seems ridiculous? Stupid? What if... what if...

But I have to keep in mind, she is there to help me improve and make the story as good as it can be. If I really want to polish it and make it stand out the way I want it to and that I think it deserves, this is the work I have to do.

I just have never put this much thought or work into one single piece, aside from my novels. It's nerve-inducing.

However, in two days time, I will know.



Still mentally trying to decide what to buy, when July 1st comes around and I can shop amok on Paperblanks' website. There are a few things I know I'll get, the Holland Spring canvas bag and the two bookmarks, Poetry in Bloom and The Chanin Rise, but I also want a pencil case and pencils, but can't decide on the motif. Not to mention, what notebooks to buy... Ah, so many choices.



During next week, I have to call the hospital and ask if I can keep my wash stool for another month or so, bc I'm no ready not to use it in the shower yet. Plus, I use it when getting dressed still, too, for some things. I don't think it's gonna be a problem, but we'll see. I already renewed it for one more period.

I should probably put it in my calendar to remember to do this, or I'll forget.



I feel like there's a lot like that these days. Slipping from between my fingers.

I've got physiotherapy today.

For various reasons, I'm not looking forward to it. Since last time (which was last month, my therapist and I only meet once a month now, regularly), I haven't at all made the progress I wanted, the opposite rather. I overworked my foot a couple of weeks ago and haven't been able to walk properly until a few days ago, so all the things we'd agreed that I should try out, I haven't gotten around to (bus, standing up while washing my hair) and I feel kinda awful about it, which I know is stupid. She probably sees a lot of progress and the opposite in her work, but we're nearing the end of our journey together and I think, more than any of the physical stuff that I still can't do, which I can pretty easily practice, my anxiety is standing in my way.

We've already agreed that once we've finished our part of my rehab programme, I'll be sent off to group and team therapy in my local community and that would probably be fine for most people, but my social anxiety is making a big scene out of it and right now... I honestly can't imagine actually being able to go through with it? Not because I don't want to! But because there are so many steps to it, mentally, that I just can't see myself going through with it. Right now, just getting in a cab and being driven to PT is draining enough. Having to get on a bus by myself with all the anxiety that entails, then having to do exercises with other people with all the anxiety that entails and get on a bus home again??? How should I be able to handle that, it would be like going from 20 kmph to 100 kmph!

So, I need to talk to her about this today and I am not feeling like having to be that fucking adult. I hate having to admit to the shit I can't do. All the things I haven't been able to do for half a year now are bad enough, my mental stuff on top of that is just unfair, to be honest. Sigh. But it must be done and I've made a list to remind myself what to keep in mind and have discussed with her before I leave the studio today.



Yesterday was a wild one. I ran a Discord writing event from half past twelve (noon) until half past five in the afternoon and it was intense, but good! Productive! I managed to finish a 1500 word short story in this timeframe and am almost ready to post it to rainbowfic. It's a new Lilith/Mary story, but told from Mary's point of view which I think makes it easier to expand on the universe that I originally wrote about in The Lover of Lilith, since she is the one who grows the most after the events of that, both physically and emotionally.

It's kind of a coming out story? But also kind of a 'getting thrown out by your homophobic parents'-story. I do think it ends on a hopeful note, but it's kept deliberately vague and thus, it's probably not a comfortable read for people who have been and are in that situation themselves. However, I did think it was a fitting story for Pride month! And I liked it upon reread yesterday night, so we'll see what I think about it when I reread it again later today.

The title is "No Room In the Inn", as a reference to Mary's situation in the Bible. How we exclude others and are excluded, when we are different, or live different lives from what people expect of us due to societal norms etc.

I hope to be able to post it tonight. Still can't share The Lover of Lilith since it's still pending for the anthology I'm submitting it to, but hopefully at some point...



I really need the holidays to soon be upon us. I'm just... tired. Worn down and tired.

July can't get here soon enough!

TO-READ LIST

1. Finish "Flygtige Ord" by Anita Furu, I'm approx. halfway through.
2. Reread "The Little Prince" by Saint-Exupery for research purposes.
3. Betaread the novel I've been sent by one of my friends from the Danish writing server.

I was in a lot of pain throughout most of the day, as I have been most of this week. Then, during therapy today, it totally vanished. Like, from one moment to the next, I went from being more or less unable to support my own weight on my bad foot to being able to walking mostly normally.

Which proves to me that at least part of my pain issues is psychosomatic. I don't make it up, but it stems from something psychological rather than from my body not functioning as it should. This both pisses me off and is an immense relief. Weird mix of things.

My anxiety was also really bad this morning, but is manageable now. I'm having a cup of tea, contemplating finally getting started on those Mary-centric side stories to The Lover of Lilith, but not sure I'm not too tired tonight. I just made an event in the writing Discord server I'm in tomorrow, so maybe I should just focus on getting some writing done there.



I've got physiotherapy Wednesday. I was nervous about it, due to all the pains, but now I'm more relaxed. Though, I still have some stuff to discuss with my therapist, mostly whether we can prolong our collaboration more. Last time we talked about wrapping up once I could use the bus myself, but I'm not at all at that point yet, so I really am not ready to stop our work. If she says that isn't possible (it's a regional physiotherapeutic offer, so I'm not even sure how much they decide themselves in regards to these things), I'll have to contact my insurance and hear if they can offer a way for me to continue, once I wrap up here. Because I still really need the support. ;;



Most of my issues these past two weeks, I think, can be traced back to the fact that I'm seeing my parents on Friday and I really don't want to. Right now I just try not to think about it. Luckily (or not so luckily for my nervous system), this week has been and will continue to be pretty busy, so I don't have much time or energy to ponder it too much, but at the same time I just don't feel like I'm ready either...



I've changed my default icon to the one that will represent me and my gf's writing project in July. Just so we're thematically on point, LOL.

It's half past three here and considering it's only mid-June, the heat feels oppressive. By Danish standards, granted, which means it's 12 degrees Celcius, but I'm really sensitive to my sleeping spaces being anything but chilled, so I woke up feeling boiling hot, ngl. And thirsty. And needing the toilet.

Just that kind of night.

I'll make the best of it, though. When this entry is written, I'll sit down and see if I can't spit out a couple of scenes in my texting-style short story, I made a good indent into it yesterday. If I'm really good, I'll be able to finish it today, which would be great, because then I can send all three Marie-Claude shorts to my girlfriend tonight! That would feel like an accomplishment. Combined, there are about 15K+ words in there, just at this point, this texting short isn't done yet.



We had Thai-inspired chicken-stuffed tortillas for dinner last night. It's one of our favourite foods to make, not because it's easy to make (it isn't, the prep work is pretty extensive), but because it's so easy and smooth to eat, a real street food-style thing, greasy and tasty and soft. Yum. Lots of chili and garlic in it, too! I think I ate four, lol. I love when my girlfriend is in the mood to make it. I used to help her chop stuff a bit, before I fell, but atm I can't stand up for long enough to really assist much. It'll come back to that, I know, but with how I've had pains the past week, I've beaten myself over the head with it a lot.



Assisted living visit today. We'll be looking at some bank stuff, which always has my anxiety spike through the roof and I can feel it building already, although the appointment isn't until 11am, so a good few hours away. I've gained more control over my own finances since I fell, mostly out of necessity, but it still ignites a lot of old fears, insecurities and panic, which is something my assisted living person and I are working on, but it's currently an up and down learning curve.

Other than that one appointment, though, we only have some cleaning of the apartment to do (Friday is our cleaning day in this house) and the usual grocery shopping, all of which hangs mostly on my girlfriend these days for the same reason as mentioned above. I just can't lift stuff and move around as freely as I'd like. Especially not since I did talk to my physio therapist yesterday and she reckoned it was my Achilles tendon having been overworked that's causing the pains, so the only resolution not to aggrevate it is to relax a lot, "not to pull to a complete halt" as she put it, but slow down, fewer steps, less strain.

I really want this pain to go away, so there's nothing for it, I guess.



As I've been writing these Marie-Claude short stories the past few weeks, something has dawned on me. Since my conception of this character around the years 2012-2014, a decade ago(!), she has never grown or developed much. Marie-Claude has always pretty much just been Marie-Claude. There have been some details that have changed, like her relationship to her dad (probably a subconscious way for me to work with my own changes to the relationship to my own parents) and her relationship to Jean Louis (they've been through various stages of the 'lovers' category to their now much more sibling-like dynamic), but neither one nor the other has ever really caused her to move forward as a character.

Yet, I can feel her doing so now.

Why?

I fear the answer is simple, Sherlock. She came out of the closet. It's funny (or tragic or both) that for these past many years, I've always joked that Marie-Claude was my only really straight character, because I've always only envisioned her in relationships to men. Turns out, she is bisexual and, it seems, will end up in a relationship to a woman.

You have no idea how much this boggled my brain at first!! Due to her dynamics with her father, I always just assumed that she'd always be one of those women who tried repairing or recreating her relationship to her father in her romantic relationships, and only to some degree succeed, for better or for worse. While I still think she is pretty male-leaning (maybe for the above reasons, who knows), writing her with Sasha now has really opened my eyes to the potential for growth that Marie-Claude holds. How happy she can actually be (although, honestly, she isn't making it easy for herself) and I can't believe I'm basically having a big bi awakening on behalf of one of my oldest and dearest characters. It's like watching a dear friend finally find themselves after half a life of misery.



I'm happy for you, Marie-Claude. Go live your best life!

We're already halfway through the week. It's been a weird one, because Denmark held Pentecost-holidays Thursday through Monday, so the week didn't - in practice - start until yesterday. And so, mid-week, is also only the second day or the work week and all my routines are a bit out of the water due to that. Besides that, my foot has been hurting really badly (or, at least, more badly than it's done for months) since Saturday, so my thoughts have been very anxious and I've been hyperfocusing on it a lot.

Tomorrow, my assisted living person will come visiting, but unless my pain has gotten a lot better, our plan of taking the bus definitely won't go anywhere, because I honestly think my leg needs the rest and no additional stress. So no walking to the busstop. And no getting in and out of a vehicle that moves.

Unless it's gotten better, of course. From yesterday until today, it's already improved somewhat.



My girlfriend's article got approved for the magazine it was written for! She was so overjoyed and I was endlessly proud of her. We need to celebrate it, when she's done the final editing work, I've promised I'll buy us takeaway and we can have a nice dinner at home.

She'll be working on it tonight. I think, to keep in time with the editing vibe, I'll reread The Lover of Lilith, my submission call short story, and maybe write a companion piece or something. Nothing big, just to hold on to the themes and style of the short. I have a few ideas already, just haven't really sat down and worked on them, but if she is going to work on her article, I can work on this.

I have started a new Marie-Claude short story, too. It's in the epistolary style, but like text messages. I think it'll be good, but it's very slow in writing, because there is a lot of formatting to do, plus some themes of parental neglect that always get to me when I write them, so I have to take it in little bits.

However, I like it and I'm developing her voice a lot like this.



My girlfriend has also promised to buy me a new notebook for the Marie-Claude and Jean Louis project we're doing, and my love has befallen the new The Little Prince design that Paperblanks is releasing the 1st of July. To get free shipping, we have to buy a few extra things, so I've made a list of stuff I want, now that we're already ordering, including 3 bookmarks, 2 pencil sets, a canvas bag and an extra notebook, because I prefer having both one that is unlined and one that is lined, since I use them for different things.

It'll be expensive, but because a friend of mine just bought something off their website, I have gotten a 10% off coupon that I can use, and then it'll be slightly less terrible.

I also have some books to pick up at the local bookstore, but since I am not going into town until later in June, that's a headache for then.

Plus, there are also the library books I need to turn in...



Saturday, I'm having a friend over and her dog. K. is out with one of her friends, so we'll both be social and hang out with people that aren't one another for once, and I'm glad for us.

Overall, things have been good. But I'm seeing my therapist today and I finally, now, 40 minutes before we're meeting up, know what to talk with her about. I've been drawing a blank for days.

Not because everything is fine, but because everything has been exactly not fine enough that nothing seemed worse than the rest. If that makes sense.