For reasons, I've been reading about writing haiku in English the past couple of days and even tried my hands on composing some, though I have to admit, syllabic counting is one of those things I struggle with a lot as an ESL person. Altough, Higginson, author of The Haiku Handbook, dismisses the 1:1 syllabic structure of English haiku to the 17 unit Japanese ones and rather suggests a 2 beats / 3 beats / 2 beats structure instead, I'm not sure that makes it any easier for me. I have never learned about beats in English here and I'm really having a Time trying to determine what the stressed beats of a sentence are and what's unstressed. Sounds the same to me.

Still, I've managed to compose a small collection of 12 haiku, 3 for each part of a short story I want to write for my Adazakura universe. I've also written the first scene (for the first haiku) already, and hoping to finish the thing over the coming week. It's for rainbowfic.



Friday, my parents were here and it was awkward but otherwise went okay. I wasn't too messed up about it afterwards which is a good sign, I think. I managed to react somewhat constructively and with a good distance to the whole thing.

Right now, I'm even more concerned with the phone convo I had with the guy who will eventually be my coordinator for my rehabilitation efforts, once my time with my physiotherapist comes to an end. He seems okay, still not feeling completely comfortable with him, but hopefully it'll come with time and exposure.

He did suggest a helpful thing for my continued rehabilitation and that is a volunteer program that assists people with mental and physical disability in getting to their various groups and activities, like physically getting there, helping them take the bus and such and staying with them, I think, until they're safe back home again. I intend to practice the bus over the summer holidays, plus continue to walk more, so I can actually walk the required distances, but once I begin other activities in August, I think this will be usable to me, definitely.

After talking to him, something weird also happened to me on a more personal level. I went for a walk. This might sound simple, but since January I have only been outside a very few select times and never walked very far, because my anxiety is so rampant when I do it. Well, Friday, before my parents got here, I said fuck that and walked, not that far, maybe 100 meters, but it's more than I have walked for half a year and I used my crutch to minimize the stress on my foot, just focusing on doing the walking movement... And I did it. I walked out to our main road and back again. I did it with focus and effort.

I was wiped afterwards, but it was worth it. I've decided that every day until August, I will walk a bit more each time I go out and I must get outside at least once a day. It's a challenge, but unless I start to actually put the work in and beat my anxiety, I'll never live a normal life again.

I want my life back.

So I'll continue.



My editor contacted me this morning, letting me know, she's halfway through my short story and expects to be done in a couple of days time. My motivation for that universe kicked right back in and now I'm contemplating a new fic for rainbowfic. Got some great feedback on the latest one I put up, so I feel I really have something to work with from here.

I'm really nervous about what my editor has of comments. Grammar and such is okay, I don't mind fixing bad grammar, but I'm really, really nervous about what she might have to say about my execution of the sex parts. And since most of the smut is in the final part of the story, I'm not sure I can put too much stock in her reassurance that 80% of her remarks are positive. What if the sex disappoints? Seems ridiculous? Stupid? What if... what if...

But I have to keep in mind, she is there to help me improve and make the story as good as it can be. If I really want to polish it and make it stand out the way I want it to and that I think it deserves, this is the work I have to do.

I just have never put this much thought or work into one single piece, aside from my novels. It's nerve-inducing.

However, in two days time, I will know.



Still mentally trying to decide what to buy, when July 1st comes around and I can shop amok on Paperblanks' website. There are a few things I know I'll get, the Holland Spring canvas bag and the two bookmarks, Poetry in Bloom and The Chanin Rise, but I also want a pencil case and pencils, but can't decide on the motif. Not to mention, what notebooks to buy... Ah, so many choices.



During next week, I have to call the hospital and ask if I can keep my wash stool for another month or so, bc I'm no ready not to use it in the shower yet. Plus, I use it when getting dressed still, too, for some things. I don't think it's gonna be a problem, but we'll see. I already renewed it for one more period.

I should probably put it in my calendar to remember to do this, or I'll forget.



I feel like there's a lot like that these days. Slipping from between my fingers.

TO-READ LIST

1. Finish "Flygtige Ord" by Anita Furu, I'm approx. halfway through.
2. Reread "The Little Prince" by Saint-Exupery for research purposes.
3. Betaread the novel I've been sent by one of my friends from the Danish writing server.

I was in a lot of pain throughout most of the day, as I have been most of this week. Then, during therapy today, it totally vanished. Like, from one moment to the next, I went from being more or less unable to support my own weight on my bad foot to being able to walking mostly normally.

Which proves to me that at least part of my pain issues is psychosomatic. I don't make it up, but it stems from something psychological rather than from my body not functioning as it should. This both pisses me off and is an immense relief. Weird mix of things.

My anxiety was also really bad this morning, but is manageable now. I'm having a cup of tea, contemplating finally getting started on those Mary-centric side stories to The Lover of Lilith, but not sure I'm not too tired tonight. I just made an event in the writing Discord server I'm in tomorrow, so maybe I should just focus on getting some writing done there.



I've got physiotherapy Wednesday. I was nervous about it, due to all the pains, but now I'm more relaxed. Though, I still have some stuff to discuss with my therapist, mostly whether we can prolong our collaboration more. Last time we talked about wrapping up once I could use the bus myself, but I'm not at all at that point yet, so I really am not ready to stop our work. If she says that isn't possible (it's a regional physiotherapeutic offer, so I'm not even sure how much they decide themselves in regards to these things), I'll have to contact my insurance and hear if they can offer a way for me to continue, once I wrap up here. Because I still really need the support. ;;



Most of my issues these past two weeks, I think, can be traced back to the fact that I'm seeing my parents on Friday and I really don't want to. Right now I just try not to think about it. Luckily (or not so luckily for my nervous system), this week has been and will continue to be pretty busy, so I don't have much time or energy to ponder it too much, but at the same time I just don't feel like I'm ready either...



I've changed my default icon to the one that will represent me and my gf's writing project in July. Just so we're thematically on point, LOL.

It's half past three here and considering it's only mid-June, the heat feels oppressive. By Danish standards, granted, which means it's 12 degrees Celcius, but I'm really sensitive to my sleeping spaces being anything but chilled, so I woke up feeling boiling hot, ngl. And thirsty. And needing the toilet.

Just that kind of night.

I'll make the best of it, though. When this entry is written, I'll sit down and see if I can't spit out a couple of scenes in my texting-style short story, I made a good indent into it yesterday. If I'm really good, I'll be able to finish it today, which would be great, because then I can send all three Marie-Claude shorts to my girlfriend tonight! That would feel like an accomplishment. Combined, there are about 15K+ words in there, just at this point, this texting short isn't done yet.



We had Thai-inspired chicken-stuffed tortillas for dinner last night. It's one of our favourite foods to make, not because it's easy to make (it isn't, the prep work is pretty extensive), but because it's so easy and smooth to eat, a real street food-style thing, greasy and tasty and soft. Yum. Lots of chili and garlic in it, too! I think I ate four, lol. I love when my girlfriend is in the mood to make it. I used to help her chop stuff a bit, before I fell, but atm I can't stand up for long enough to really assist much. It'll come back to that, I know, but with how I've had pains the past week, I've beaten myself over the head with it a lot.



Assisted living visit today. We'll be looking at some bank stuff, which always has my anxiety spike through the roof and I can feel it building already, although the appointment isn't until 11am, so a good few hours away. I've gained more control over my own finances since I fell, mostly out of necessity, but it still ignites a lot of old fears, insecurities and panic, which is something my assisted living person and I are working on, but it's currently an up and down learning curve.

Other than that one appointment, though, we only have some cleaning of the apartment to do (Friday is our cleaning day in this house) and the usual grocery shopping, all of which hangs mostly on my girlfriend these days for the same reason as mentioned above. I just can't lift stuff and move around as freely as I'd like. Especially not since I did talk to my physio therapist yesterday and she reckoned it was my Achilles tendon having been overworked that's causing the pains, so the only resolution not to aggrevate it is to relax a lot, "not to pull to a complete halt" as she put it, but slow down, fewer steps, less strain.

I really want this pain to go away, so there's nothing for it, I guess.



As I've been writing these Marie-Claude short stories the past few weeks, something has dawned on me. Since my conception of this character around the years 2012-2014, a decade ago(!), she has never grown or developed much. Marie-Claude has always pretty much just been Marie-Claude. There have been some details that have changed, like her relationship to her dad (probably a subconscious way for me to work with my own changes to the relationship to my own parents) and her relationship to Jean Louis (they've been through various stages of the 'lovers' category to their now much more sibling-like dynamic), but neither one nor the other has ever really caused her to move forward as a character.

Yet, I can feel her doing so now.

Why?

I fear the answer is simple, Sherlock. She came out of the closet. It's funny (or tragic or both) that for these past many years, I've always joked that Marie-Claude was my only really straight character, because I've always only envisioned her in relationships to men. Turns out, she is bisexual and, it seems, will end up in a relationship to a woman.

You have no idea how much this boggled my brain at first!! Due to her dynamics with her father, I always just assumed that she'd always be one of those women who tried repairing or recreating her relationship to her father in her romantic relationships, and only to some degree succeed, for better or for worse. While I still think she is pretty male-leaning (maybe for the above reasons, who knows), writing her with Sasha now has really opened my eyes to the potential for growth that Marie-Claude holds. How happy she can actually be (although, honestly, she isn't making it easy for herself) and I can't believe I'm basically having a big bi awakening on behalf of one of my oldest and dearest characters. It's like watching a dear friend finally find themselves after half a life of misery.



I'm happy for you, Marie-Claude. Go live your best life!

We're already halfway through the week. It's been a weird one, because Denmark held Pentecost-holidays Thursday through Monday, so the week didn't - in practice - start until yesterday. And so, mid-week, is also only the second day or the work week and all my routines are a bit out of the water due to that. Besides that, my foot has been hurting really badly (or, at least, more badly than it's done for months) since Saturday, so my thoughts have been very anxious and I've been hyperfocusing on it a lot.

Tomorrow, my assisted living person will come visiting, but unless my pain has gotten a lot better, our plan of taking the bus definitely won't go anywhere, because I honestly think my leg needs the rest and no additional stress. So no walking to the busstop. And no getting in and out of a vehicle that moves.

Unless it's gotten better, of course. From yesterday until today, it's already improved somewhat.



My girlfriend's article got approved for the magazine it was written for! She was so overjoyed and I was endlessly proud of her. We need to celebrate it, when she's done the final editing work, I've promised I'll buy us takeaway and we can have a nice dinner at home.

She'll be working on it tonight. I think, to keep in time with the editing vibe, I'll reread The Lover of Lilith, my submission call short story, and maybe write a companion piece or something. Nothing big, just to hold on to the themes and style of the short. I have a few ideas already, just haven't really sat down and worked on them, but if she is going to work on her article, I can work on this.

I have started a new Marie-Claude short story, too. It's in the epistolary style, but like text messages. I think it'll be good, but it's very slow in writing, because there is a lot of formatting to do, plus some themes of parental neglect that always get to me when I write them, so I have to take it in little bits.

However, I like it and I'm developing her voice a lot like this.



My girlfriend has also promised to buy me a new notebook for the Marie-Claude and Jean Louis project we're doing, and my love has befallen the new The Little Prince design that Paperblanks is releasing the 1st of July. To get free shipping, we have to buy a few extra things, so I've made a list of stuff I want, now that we're already ordering, including 3 bookmarks, 2 pencil sets, a canvas bag and an extra notebook, because I prefer having both one that is unlined and one that is lined, since I use them for different things.

It'll be expensive, but because a friend of mine just bought something off their website, I have gotten a 10% off coupon that I can use, and then it'll be slightly less terrible.

I also have some books to pick up at the local bookstore, but since I am not going into town until later in June, that's a headache for then.

Plus, there are also the library books I need to turn in...



Saturday, I'm having a friend over and her dog. K. is out with one of her friends, so we'll both be social and hang out with people that aren't one another for once, and I'm glad for us.

Overall, things have been good. But I'm seeing my therapist today and I finally, now, 40 minutes before we're meeting up, know what to talk with her about. I've been drawing a blank for days.

Not because everything is fine, but because everything has been exactly not fine enough that nothing seemed worse than the rest. If that makes sense.

Tonight I am listening to this.

It's mood music for the Lilith short story that, although I have sent it to my editor, I'm still mulling over and wanting to elaborate more on. Not within that particular short story, that one is definitely done, but it opens up for so many questions about what happens later and I'm thinking about maybe writing some stand-alone ficlets to cover some of those questions. I have two prompt tables (colors) from rainbowfic that I think I'll use for it, ten prompts in each, so that would be ten little fics combined. I think I can do that before June is over and be ready for the July novel project my girlfriend and I will be writing together.

Yes, I think that's gonna be my plan of action.



I keep returning to the short story, though. It's not that often I feel like this, where I return because I want to read my own writing as a reader, not as the writer. But this one scratches that exact itch, so I keep wanting to sink into it more. It's the language of it, I think, it's very poetic and flowery. I can only think of one author whose work I feel like this about and that's André Aciman, one of my favourites, and this isn't to compare myself to the likes of him, but just to say... it's the same feeling, and I want to think that's a good sign.

Even if and when my short story comes back to me with a million corrections and red lines, I want to hold onto this feeling, that this story feels worthwhile and calls to something in me even I didn't know was there until I wrote it. Regardless of whether or not the submission call will take it, I'm very proud of this story. I think it holds something unique.



Tomorrow is my first day this week with no plans during the day - plus, my girlfriend, if she's not sick still, has plans in the evening, so that might be the whole day, really... And I plan to get a head start on some writing, drink lots of tea and maybe go for a walk around the neighbourhood. I still can't walk very far, but around the parking lot and maybe up to the bus stop should be okay.

Other songs I'm listening to right now count this:

Watch on YouTube

Also on my Lilith playlist, if you were wondering. Very much a song from Lilith to Mary. So much girlpower and feminine strength in there, not to mention a real banger. I've listened to it on repeat for days now.



Gonna try staying up late-ish tonight, in the hopes of a better night's sleep that last night which was straight up awful. My sleep schedule these days is really marked by a lot of stress, anxiety and worries. Hopefully, when my girlfriend's summer hols come around, things will settle into something quieter and calmer.

Here's to hoping.

Anxious this morning. Extremely body-focused and feeling a lot of health-related anxiety. Nervous about my foot. Flashes of panic about my teeth or getting cancer. Most of it entirely unreasonable. Yes, my ankle is broken and it swells when I use it, but I have a physio therapist who's telling me that's completely normal and will continue for a couple of years, although to a lesser and lesser degree. My teeth is a recurring fear I have, and I think mostly a symptom of my other issues. The cancer thing... same.

Anxiety is a strange thing. It wants me to be afraid, but not to be constructive about my fears. I have to do that work myself and sometimes it cripples me so much, I can't. It's gotten better and I have various coping strategies now, but on mornings like this where I just wake up hit by it... Yeah, it's difficult.



Working on a "new" short story in Danish.

I still need to do a final read-through of the Lilith one, before I can send it to my editor, but I found the first couple of paragraphs for a short story that I'd started many weeks ago and I really liked it, plus it's from the PoV of my character, Marie-Claude, that I'll be writing for our summer writing project, my girfriend and I, so I thought I should dive back in.

And I have!

I'm halfway through now. It's three scenes overlapping each other and I'm starting the final part of the first scene today, hopefully able to finish that and maybe the next one, too. Maybe all three, but we'll see. I also need something to work on tomorrow, when I'm hosting an online event in our Danish writing Discord server.

On that note, I should also make a list over future scenes I want to write as preparation for summer...



My gf has some plans today, besides working on her article, so I will have plenty of time to write. Same about tomorrow, where she is babysitting her brother's four children.

I can't believe it's June tomorrow. Half a year since my fall. 2025 has kinda just disappeared in a rehabilitation fog, to be honest. I've come a long way, but it still feels like there's a long way to go. But as my assisted living person said, if this had happened one or two years ago, I would have handled it a lot differently and no doubt worse than I have now and I should remember that, be proud of how far I've come mentally as well, not just physically.

I can do a lot of the basic "adulting" things now that I couldn't a year ago, checking my e-mail, bank stuff... All of that has changed drastically and for the better. I'm just so focused on my foot that I forget.

It's the anxiety. It gives me tunnel vision.

But it helps writing it down here, then it exists somewhere. It exists.

I exist, with everything that I am.

I was going to post an entry yesterday called "spicy Monday", but it never happened and today might turn out to be neither spicy and definitely not Monday, so. This is my completely ordinary Tuesday entry.

I'm going on a bus trip today, it's the first time I try riding the bus since I fell in January, so it's a bit of a game-changer for me, functionality-wise. My assisted living person is coming with me, so I'm not going alone the first couple of times. My balance is still not the best and my walk is a bit wobbly, especially after two days of foot trouble, but I'm bringing my one crutch, so I think it'll be all right. It's not a very long bus ride, just to the nearby town square and then, another bus back again. But it feels like a mighty big adventure to me, to be honest. I've decided that if I'm too worn out, just walking to the bus stop, we won't go this time. Then, I'm going to practice walking that distance first a couple of times and improve my stamina and then, we can do the bus ride next time she comes by, which is in two weeks. Then, it'll just be a bit slower progress.

But things are progressing!


( Talk of literary erotica and sexual themes including impregnation - as well as Christian myth in a literary light. )


Besides going on that bus ride, there are no plans today. I will try to write the next scene in my short story, maybe the two next scenes, if I can manage. I'm three scenes from being done, but I'm still not completely settled on how to end it, so the last scene will probably be a bit tougher to write, unless something dawns on me while writing the other two. I have a general idea of where I want it to go, of course, with the impregnation, but I'm not sure of the... mood I want to strike, the atmosphere of the ending. Should it be melacholy? Victorious? Loving? I just don't know. We'll see what the rest shapes up to, I guess.

I have all day tomorrow to write, too, so I think I will probably finish before Thursday, where I have a Takarazuka watch party with a friend on Discord. It's a nihonmono (Japanese play)-style musical we're watching. She is also interested in the Edo period, actually she was the one who got me interested in it in the first place, and this musical we're watching is a musical version of the novel, "Sabu", which takes place in the Edo period. It's a story by Shugoro Yamamoto from the 1970's, not too long after Mishima's "The Sea of Fertility" series (of which "Spring Snow" was the first volume) was published, so. Apparently Japan had a boom of historical fiction around that time, it seems.

It's a small-scale play, compared to some of the things Zuka does, but it has a very strong cast and even when I don't know the story in detail (haven't read the book yet, it's on its way to my local bookstore where from I ordered it), I really feel for the characters.

On that note, I really look forward to diving into my Edo period ficlets again soon. My books on haiku and my Edo period travel guide were all picked up at the library Sunday and I'm very excited to start my research, I just need this short story out of the way first, so I can concentrate. Luckily, it seems it'll be a relatively short process. I hope.


My girlfriend is writing an article for a magazine on psychology and until the 10th of June, she'll be focusing on getting it done, since that's the deadline for submission. So all our RP'ing has been put on hold until then, and I hope writing this short story will give me something else to focus on meanwhile.

However, I'm extremely proud of her for getting invited to write this article and for working on something she is so passionate about. The process seems to be wearing her out, though, so on the other side if her turning it in, we'll have to find something relaxing and nice to do together as a reward for both of us, her for writing the article, me the short story.

I'll have to come up with something.

That's apparently the headline today: Come up with something, hah.

Very busy weekend, even on the days when we've actually not been doing much (like today).

Friday evening, after we had cleaned the whole apartment, K's friend dropped by to watch the final of Andor with K. and they had a good time, it sounded like. I stayed mostly in the office, writing, because I was on total overload after the stress of cleaning - and because I had a friend coming over Saturday morning that I needed to be ready and not too tired for.

That visit went well, too, and energized me a lot, so when my friend had left, I sat down and wrote a piece of fiction, the beginnings of my exploration of my MC, Inu, in the project Adazakura. I already have an idea for the next fic, which will be a piece of epistolary. I have the main red thread I want to use, and the rest I guess will have to come when I start writing it. I had planned to do so today, but I haven't been able to concentrate, so no do.

Unless it suddenly comes in a spurt tonight. One can never know with me.

I'm almost out of lithium, so I have to ask K. tonight if she can pick a new batch up tomorrow on her way home from work. It's such a hassle that I can't go myself, but that's just how it is. And while I should have been more on top of when I would run out of it, at least I notice before I'll be out of it entirely tomorrow night. I just hope I don't fuck her plans up too much as a result.

She is busy writing an article these days, about community in schools and how destructive exclusion is and how this relates to minority stress. I'm so proud of her for doing such an extensive effort to have this finished and I just love listening to her rant to me about the things she finds out. I hope this is an aspect of her that will never die, this animatedness. I truly love it.

I think, if it turns out I can't write tonight, I'll rewatch Pale Dawn and take some caps to work on for the new Tumblr blog I've made for my Adazakura project. Hopefully I can post to it about Basho's haiku and Yamamoto's novel, Sabu, later when those books are ready to be picked up, but for now I just want to fill it up with Pale Dawn stuff.

Or I'll do some sprints in the writing Discord I'm part of, just to try and get started. We'll see.

I had a tough day yesterday. My foot was being a complete ass about everything, it was swollen, it was ouchy (but not alarmingly so, just enough to be irritating and disruptive), and I had a visit from my assisted living person which was, for some reason, really hard although we didn't tackle anything truly difficult. Just sitting there talking about how I was... It was depressing.

My head was also everywhere at once, I had a million ideas I wanted to pursue and ended up focusing on something completely different than what I had initially planned (Gorgo), but having learned just a bit about myself at this point, I know that letting myself run to the ends of these ropes, when my mind's like that, is the best solution. My original ideas aren't going anywhere, and I don't gain anything from holding myself back out of some fear of not being devoted enough to my plans.

So, I let loose yesterday, which was probably the one redeeming feature about it, really. I just... went with the idea I had, which was a random "Edo period Japan" historical one, one I can never publish or anything, because cultural appropriation much - but if I want to, I can write it for my own sake. That's how writing works best for me anyway. No pressure from an awaitening audience. No critics. Just me and my words.

So, spontaneously, I partook in a writing event one of the others in the Discord group held last night which was a fun prompt-based event where we just had to write random scenes based on prompts like, "your character has died and now has to explain to God/Death/whoever why they shouldn't be there" and I got some actual writing done for it and ended up with at least two scenes I was very satisfied with, shared above!

Originally, I wrote this verse from Natsu, the MFC's PoV, but I think I might change it to Isamu's, the MMC's instead. I don't know, I just feel better writing male characters at the moment, something about it doesn't drain me as fast. Or makes me feel self-concious. So, I'll try writing a scene from his PoV today and see if it comes as easily to me as Natsu's voice, otherwise I'll just change back.

My foot is still ouchy and I have to really be careful with it today, not overdo anything. Maybe get some good naps, so the swelling can go down properly once in a while.

Yesterday, K. picked up food at our local slow-cooking restaurant and we had some kind of chicken stew with rice, because she had piano classes and couldn't be bothered to cook, but I hope we figure something out tonight that we can make ourselves - maybe even something I can cook, if my foot is better.

I want to help more, it's just... everything requires a lot of standing up or walking around and I'm just not quite there yet. It frustrates me to no end. I think that was what I was depressed about yesterday, to be honest.

Today I just want to indulge myself and not think too much about it.