14 | some references

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Listening to this tonight.

The whole album, Music for People in Trouble, is amazing, but this is one of my favourite songs on it. It's raw and atmospheric, poetic and haunting. I've used it for the part of my OIFDEO/ESVST universe that takes place in Norway, where Marcel and his partner, Jean Louis, end up after years of corrupt and criminal living in an unnamed part of Central Europe. Even emperors retire, is the tagline.

I came to think of Marcel yesterday, feeling an urge to reread OIFDEO, my novel about his late teens in Amsterdam, but at the same time I just wasn't in the mood for that much tragedy and his very narrow mindset. I love him as a character, but he is extremely flawed - and at his worst during that time.

Twenty years later, he lives on a run-down farm in Norway with his long-term lover and former business partner, and during that period he grows as much as he's capable of and becomes as happy as it's possible for him to get. My girlfriend and I have a saying that goes, you don't get what you deserve, you get what you get, which we came up with due to these two specifically. And now I feel like exploring that part of Marcel's life some more.

It's around the same time that Jean Louis and Marie-Claude correspond, so timeline-wise it runs parallel to that and would work fine as prep for the July novel writing project. I'll have to ask my gf if she feels like diving a bit into it with me here in June. Will also need to reread some old drabbles and fics I've previously written from that era - or I might just go from what I remember and start from a blank page.



One of the things I've continuously used as inspiration for this universe is the poetry of Anise Koltz, a famous Luxembourgish poet - back from when the story took place in Luxembourg, rather in an unnamed imaginary Central European country. I love her poetry so much, I had a friend of mine who studies French translate some of her poems to Danish, to be able to continue to use her work as basis for my stories even as I changed languages. I have 10-15 ones as reference, most of them relate to Marie-Claude, but this one is very Marcel and Jean Louis. Especially in their Norway days.

*** by Anise Koltz

My deep-sea diving brother
can no longer walk

Flanked by sharp fins
he rejects the polluted and corrupt
non-aquatic world

He sides with the sharks
and attacks anyone
who enters
his waters

Visually, I stumbled upon this on Tumblr and it reminded me a lot of the surroundings around Marcel and Jean Louis' farm in Norway, a winter landscape. So I saved it as reference.


Frits Thaulow (1847-1906)



I should be asleep, but my anxiety is sky-high, I'm extremely conscious of my foot, nervous about something being wrong, although precisely nothing is alarming. Just one of those nights, I guess. It has been an intense past week, so maybe this is also just the reaction to that. It'll probably take the remainder of this week to really settle back into a routine again.

I must just do the best I can and make the best of it.

15 | dawn till dusk

Tonight I am listening to this.

It's mood music for the Lilith short story that, although I have sent it to my editor, I'm still mulling over and wanting to elaborate more on. Not within that particular short story, that one is definitely done, but it opens up for so many questions about what happens later and I'm thinking about maybe writing some stand-alone ficlets to cover some of those questions. I have two prompt tables (colors) from rainbowfic that I think I'll use for it, ten prompts in each, so that would be ten little fics combined. I think I can do that before June is over and be ready for the July novel project my girlfriend and I will be writing together.

Yes, I think that's gonna be my plan of action.



I keep returning to the short story, though. It's not that often I feel like this, where I return because I want to read my own writing as a reader, not as the writer. But this one scratches that exact itch, so I keep wanting to sink into it more. It's the language of it, I think, it's very poetic and flowery. I can only think of one author whose work I feel like this about and that's André Aciman, one of my favourites, and this isn't to compare myself to the likes of him, but just to say... it's the same feeling, and I want to think that's a good sign.

Even if and when my short story comes back to me with a million corrections and red lines, I want to hold onto this feeling, that this story feels worthwhile and calls to something in me even I didn't know was there until I wrote it. Regardless of whether or not the submission call will take it, I'm very proud of this story. I think it holds something unique.



Tomorrow is my first day this week with no plans during the day - plus, my girlfriend, if she's not sick still, has plans in the evening, so that might be the whole day, really... And I plan to get a head start on some writing, drink lots of tea and maybe go for a walk around the neighbourhood. I still can't walk very far, but around the parking lot and maybe up to the bus stop should be okay.

Other songs I'm listening to right now count this:

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Also on my Lilith playlist, if you were wondering. Very much a song from Lilith to Mary. So much girlpower and feminine strength in there, not to mention a real banger. I've listened to it on repeat for days now.



Gonna try staying up late-ish tonight, in the hopes of a better night's sleep that last night which was straight up awful. My sleep schedule these days is really marked by a lot of stress, anxiety and worries. Hopefully, when my girlfriend's summer hols come around, things will settle into something quieter and calmer.

Here's to hoping.